Don't Call Us, We'll Call You...

I found out this week that I will not be working Gardner Village this October. Did they call and say, "Thanks for doing the witch thing for us but we're going in a different direction this year." No. Did they send us a pink slip to let us know we were no longer of service? No. How did I find out then, you might wonder…

I went on their website and looked on their October Calendar, where it states that "Ride to a Witch" will take place select weekends from Oct. 1—31, and you ride on a restored antique truck…



Okay, so that means we're out. Because I don't haul the folks around on the bed of a restored truck (which, by the way, is beautifully restored. And I hope it's mechanically sound. Because we kept two tractors out there, just in case one broke down, and two flatbed trailers, for the same reason. At one point last year Hard Rock had to run to a tire store and buy a new one because he got a flat and the tire shredded. So if their truck breaks down, they're f*cked. Because for $5, nobody's gonna "Walk to a Witch.")


Sigh.

I'll miss Gardner Village. It was an easy yet lucrative gig; it was eight minutes from my house, and I was home and in bed by 10 O'clock. Plus I got to work with Ro, which is always fun.

Okay, onto the "real" blog.

Last week carriage driver Kar and I were standing around shooting the breeze, trying to look busy when she suddenly said, "Guy in a skirt."

I, being my usual intelligent and observant self replied, "Huh?"

Kar pointed down the sidewalk and repeated, "Guy.in.a.skirt."

So I squinted, and tilted my head sideways and finally saw him waaaaay down the block.




Now, being me, I grabbed my camera and tried to get a photo but of course he was so far away it was difficult to make him out. So I left my camera on my carriage within grabbing distance and waited. Eventually he arrived at our location and instead of giving us a "WTF are you looking at me for" look he walked right up, introduced himself, and asked us if we would be willing to write down our idea of "The American Dream."

So I ignored that and right away asked if I could take his picture.




He actually has okay posture, he's just all hunched over like that because of the backpack. Turns out his name is Aaron Heideman and he's travelling the lower 48 states, asking people to record for him their version is of the American Dream. Yes, citizens, he's a writer. Now, back to the skirt. It's not often we see men wearing what is traditionally considered women's apparel. And when we do, they usually have their arms wrapped around a set of bagpipes, which indicates that they are not in fact in a skirt but are wearing a kilt which is different. Plus if you call it a skirt they will beat you senseless with their bagpipes. Anyway, what Aaron is wearing is not a kilt, nor it it exactly a skirt, it's a utilikilt. And he says it is very comfortable and good to travel in.

Imagine if Carhartt made cargo skirts in that ugly Carhartt tan, for men. Now imagine if all the construction workers started wearing them. Now imagine they all have to climb ladders, and ask you to hold the ladders for them.

Ugh. Never mind. That's just nuts.

Anyway, you can read all about Aaron's exploits at
American Dream Or Bust

Spring Ahead, Fall Far Behind…

I've signed up to work again and thank Bob for Ro who reminded me that LDS Spring Conference is the weekend of April 3 and 4th, which is also Easter weekend. I almost signed up to work that weekend too, but then she whispered, "Conference…Conference…" and my brain kicked into gear and I said, "Never mind!" with the appropriate amount of panic because I almost messed up.

None of that really has anything to do with me other then the fact that 1) I hate to work conference because the annoying protestors make me want to slug someone and 2) I'm not religious so I'll be skiing on Easter Sunday, providing the weather is nice… Apparently holidays like "President's Day" are big skiing draws, but things like "Easter" and "Thanksgiving" people prefer to spend inside with their extended families. Well, we don't have any extended family here, and we like to spend our holidays on top of the mountain. That's our spiritual experience, thank you very much. And we like it like that.

One year, in Missouri, we spent Easter having a bar-b-cue and shearing sheep. It was a beautiful day, and we all got sunburned. It was one of the most memorable Easters I think I've ever had. In 2008 The Kid and I spent Easter morning at Angel's Rest, the pet cemetery located in Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, UT. It was sunny and warm, with a light breeze that coaxed the wind chimes into a soft and delicate concert. We were surrounded by the headstones of pets loved so much by their owners you could feel it. That was a great Easter, too.

The chaotic clusterf*ck of a mess of epic proportions construction downtown continues to progress. Main Street has been closed for a few days and will be closed until this coming Saturday (just in time for Young Women's Conference Saturday evening…) because the controversial Sky Bridge linking both sides of City Creek Center, the mall and residential complex which has been the reason for the chaotic clusterf*ck of a mess of epic proportions construction, has to be installed.

Many people have been against the Sky Bridge for various reasons and it will be interesting to see how the horses react. Horses like Charlie and Jerry typically have an attitude of "Hey! Look, they put up a big shady thing just for me, yay!" While individuals like Cletus and Tony take a more suspicious approach; "Wait just one minute…THAT wasn't there before… Is it gonna EAT me?" So driving each horse under it will be an experience, I'm sure. But all of our guys take stuff like that in stride, and have been so very good during the unending eons of wreckage and upheaval years of construction. I'll take photos tonight so I can post them for your viewing pleasure. In some of the backgrounds of previous photos you can see some of the buildings in progress. The condos they've constructed right across the street from where we stage are almost ready to be sold, thus filling the mall with people before the actual "Mall" is even open yet. That'll be fun for the occupants I'm sure (snort) and think how lucky they are… to have Carriage Drivers as neighbors.

Why You Never Play Strip Poker With A Carriage Driver In Winter~

Editors Note: (That, BTW, would be ME. I'm the editor.) And speaking of editing, I'm deep in editing doo-doo right now so I've dragged up this blog that I wrote way back in December of 2007 before I ever got onto blogger so the only people who might have read it did so on my "MySpace" blog. And they were probably drunk at the time and don't remember it anyway. So, see, it's new for everyone then. Yeah...that's it...

The most asked question we get at South Gate is "How much is a ride?" Okay, that's a valid one, people want to know the cost before they get on the carriage.

The next most frequently asked question is this; "Is that a real horse?" for which we have a number of replies, mostly conceived out of boredom, but the amusing part is that adults ask that question as often as children. And no, I am not kidding you.

In winter the third most frequently asked question is; "How do you stay warm?"

Well, let me tell you. First of all, I am from the Midwest, which makes me corn fed, so I have a nice subcutaneous layer of fat to help with the insulation. So as far as I'm concerned a "cold" day in Utah is barbeque weather. But here is what we wear, and why you should never play strip poker with a carriage driver in winter, because even if you win, believe me you are gonna lose in the long run.

Underwear- you know the regular stuff. I don't go commando.

First base layer- mine is a very thin and light layer called "Cool Duds" made of Polyester and Spandex that wicks away moisture. It's also very soft and comfy, but it fits like a cat suit and of course the spandex shows all the cellulite and extraneous rolls of relaxed muscle. Not very flattering but effective. I put a pair of wool socks on over the first base layer so the wool doesn't itch.

Second base layer: Remington polyester long johns also black and thin. These are silky and thicker then the first base layer, but they are Men's, because no one in the marketing department of Remington thinks 1) Women get cold 2) Women go outside in the winter 3) Women hunt. Apparently they have never lived in Missouri. Anyway, those go on and then I put a fluffy pair of cotton socks on over that because my boots are too big.

Third base layer; "Outlast" Polyester and acrylic long johns on the bottom and thicker yet then the first two. A regular Polypropylene shirt on the top, which is thinner then a regular long john type shirt or a Polypropylene/polyester/wool shirt, depending on the weather.

I top all of that off with Jeans and a fleece jacket: This is the stuff I put on at home so I can get in my car and drive to work. If I put the rest of my gear on at home I would be unable to bend enough to actually get in my Jeep.

When I get to the barn I pull my carriage and load it, pull my horse and get him ready, then I finish getting dressed.

Off come the Jeans and the fleece jacket.

Fourth Layer: jogging pants with a flannel lining and a nylon exterior. This cuts the wind & the flannel is warmer then the jeans. Jeans are not very warm. On the top I don a cotton turtleneck sweater. Add one pair of Sorrel boots good to –20 degrees, although that's only if you are moving. By the time I have finished I cannot really "move", if fact it's all I can do to get on and off the carriage. Walking has become more like a shuffle. Forget falling down, I'd never be able to get back up again. I know how Ralphie's brother Randy feels in "A Christmas Story". I too am ready for deep sea diving.

Fifth layer; on the top I add a fleece pullover, which keeps all the warm stuff in. On the bottom I add my insulated Carhartt bib overalls.

Sixth layer; on top we add a Jerzees zip hoodie, on the bottom we add coated nylon rain pants if it is going to rain or snow or if it is windy. The rain gear keeps me dry, for the most part. It also cuts the wind and keeps all the yummy warmth inside.

Seventh layer; the rest of the stuff goes on the top only, although I can always add a blanket on my legs, I have 2 to choose from; a regular fleece blanket and a fleece blanket that I sewed a piece of thin vinyl over the top of to keep me dry if it rains or snows. On top I add a fleece zip vest, this has zip pockets and is where I keep my wallet and my cel phone, safely ensconced in the pockets. Top this ensemble off with a neck gaiter & fleece ear band and I'm ready for the catwalk in Milan!

Eight layer; I have several choices here, depending on the weather. I have a coat that can go over the jacket (when you volunteer for Sundance Film Festival and are a full time worker you get a new coat/vest every year. So I have "disposable" coats. Perfect for Carriage driving) or I can put on yet ANOTHER fleece jacket. Then we add glove liners, Obermeyer gloves (my favorite ski gloves) and chemical hand warmers inside.

Ninth layer; if we get the aforementioned rain or snow I add a raincoat with a hood that then goes over the whole thing to keep me snuggle warm. Sometimes I feel like a Thanksgiving Turkey cooking in one of those bags, and patiently wait for my bellybutton to pop like a plastic timer.

So, to reiterate: 4 socks, 5 pants, 1 pair bibs, 9 tops, 1 ear band, 1 wubbie (neck gaiter) 2 boots. 4 gloves. I don't count the hand warmer, it's wouldn't be fair because they are not technically clothing. All the stuff starts out as mediums and graduates up as XXL as you hit the final phase.

29 things I can take off and throw into the pile before I'm down to my underwear. Even if I sucked at Poker, which I do, statistically I will win one or two hands and not lose one or two hands depending on the number of players in the game.

And even if I do manage to lose every hand, 29 hands later I will be too drunk to care (You cannot play Strip Poker without involving alcohol) and you have to look at my well-padded, saggy cellulite riddled fugly middle-aged body naked.

Any way you look at it, you still lose.

Bob Wants A Cookie!!!

New for me over here at the Slave Driver blog, a video blog of what carriage driver Kar and I did Friday night while bored out of our minds waiting for some business...



Yes, I know, it's stupid, but we're simple minded and easily amused.

When in Rome

I started another job last week, waitressing at a new restaurant that has just opened here in the valley. I've been a server before; I worked at a place in Kansas City for a couple of years. I did it because we lived on the farm and The Kid was a toddler with no contact whatsoever with other young'uns. You know how city kids look at cows and point and say, "Look, look a COW!" Yeah…my kid did that too, but she pointed at children, and she called them by her first name, which made for a very embarrassing morning at an Old Country Buffet but that story is not printable so you'll have to ask me about it some day if we ever meet face to face.

So I waitresses at a Sports Bar which was located across the street from a pre-school/daycare center. I dropped The Kid off in the morning so she could be around other kids and be a little less socially retarded when she entered Kindergarten. It worked okay, I guess. I was a little worried people would think she was raised by wolves. At least she started acting less like a dog, which she did a lot before I stuck her in the class.

Where the hell was I?

New job. So last week I started and it was our "soft opening." That means we were open for a little over a week and no one knew we were there. But it's okay, it gave the owners a chance to work out the glitches in the computer system and other things because it's all brand new, and this is their first restaurant.

Today was our official "Grand Opening". Ribbon cutting, free food, raffle prizes, chamber of commerce, the whole enchilada. Knowing what the banquet room looked like when I left yesterday I arrived about 15 minutes early because I figured there was some stuff to do to make the place look extra super-de-dooper spiffy.

I entered in the middle of the blessing. How did I know this? Because the entire family was gathered around a little tent thingy and they were repeating after the priest and there was incense burning…and the owner's fiancé told me (quietly) to take off my shoes.

I look around and everyone has their head covered. The devout men are wearing turbans, the owners, who do not follow their religion as strictly, had a kind of a do-rag thing going on, and the women all had either a dupetta or the Palau of their Sari's covering their heads.

Oh, did I forget to mention I work at an Indian restaurant?

The owners are Sikh. I'm about as WASP as you can get, without the "P" part. I'm not a member of any organized religion. In fact, I'm not even a Christian, but that's superfluous. I do, however, respect the beliefs held by others, so when I saw that everyone had their head covered I whipped the top of my Jerzees Hoodie over mine and tried to scrunch my shoulders down into it. The Priest invited me to sit next to the owner's fiancé (I guess that what he did, I was just going by his motions and body language. I don't speak Punjabi.) So I got to sit in while the rest of the blessing took place. The owner's fiance got me a beautiful red head scarf to wear instead of my hoodie hood. They put some stuff in my hand that looked like cookie dough I think it was like a rue made with chicken fat. It tasted yucky, but that's okay, the whole thing was very cool.

I don't think, when blessing are involved, that you have to understand the language to get the gist of what's going on. A blessing is a blessing. All people around the world seek the same things: success, prosperity, everyone to have a good time, eat good food, and be healthy. They want joy and laughter, safety and security, love, and happiness. It doesn't matter what religion it is, it's all the same and it's all good. The Carriage Barn has meetings twice a year, and each one is opened with a Mormon blessing. They all boil down to "Thanks for the job, be safe, make money, play nice." and as Bill and Ted said "Be excellent to each other".

They opened a Hindu Temple dedicated to the Elephant-like God Sri Ganesha in South Jordan a few years ago. The Kid and I have been there twice. Once we got blessed by the Priest, got the yellow spice on our forehead and was handed some stuff we call "Indian Trail Mix" for lack of knowing the proper term. It was nice. We felt peaceful. Plus people gave us goofy looks for the rest of the afternoon, and in our family that ranks as a bonus, confusing people. It's kind of like a hobby. Random acts of confusion.

We didn't care, we were blessed.

And you know what? We are.