Saturday, March 29, 2008

The Tom Clancy Phone call

I was supposed to work the Slave Driving job tonight but I received a clandestine text message yesterday urging me to call my contact.

Oh, yeah, by the way the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Let me begin again.Someone was supposed to work tonight and someone else wanted him or her to contact them.

Crap, that’s not very clear.

Okay, how about this:I have a friend; We’ll call her "Pave Diver." Pave Diver was supposed to drive carriage tonight but received a text message from "Schmo." Schmo urged Pave Diver to call her and "Make sure I (Schmo) can talk" This is their conversation, as related to me by my friend Pave Diver. So, of course, it’s all hearsay and thereby inadmissible as evidence in court.

Pave Diver "Can you talk?"

Schmo, whispering, and it sounds like the mouthpiece of the phone is being covered by her hand "Yes."

Pave Diver "What did you want?"

Schmo "I have six people on for tonight, your appointment never called to pay, the weather is supposed to be crappy and I think the new girl is going to come in and drive tonight too. I’m calling you off, but I can’t ’Call you off’, you know? So we have to come up with a good excuse why you can’t drive tonight."

Here is a mathematical equation that is in direct proportion to how often I drive:

2 many drivers
+bad weather
/ # of people in town
+ other extenuating circumstances
= not enough $ 4 me 2 bother

Pave Diver "Okay, I’m too lazy."

Schmo "No, like a real reason.

"Pave Diver "I’m sick. I have boils."

Schmo "Ugh, no. That wont work."

There are two things that will get you out of driving faster then shit through a goose. One is vomiting, the other diarrhea. Why? Because you need someone to hold your horse in order to go to the john, and sometimes other drivers are not available immediately. I’ve seen someone throw-up into their horses poop bag, and it’s not pleasant. Even the horses don’t like it.

It is an excuse you only use when you actually have either one. Or both. Overuse is like crying "Wolf" and trust me, you never want to be in that situation. I’ve driven injured, with my foot in a medical boot, with a messed up finger, allergies, the flu, carpel tunnel, really bad cramps, and split ends. The last thing I ever want to do is drive with nausea or a case of the trots.

Pave Diver "Body lice?"

Schmo "No, and if I tell them that you’ll never step foot in the barn again, that’s just gross. You need something temporary. The barn meeting is on Monday and you have to be here."

(I had forgotten about that, and since we always go drinking at Murphy’s after the Barn Meetings you’d think I would have remembered.)

Pave Diver "Fine, I have a twitch."

Schmo "No. Not serious enough."

Pave Diver "Okay then, two twitches.

Schmo "NO!"

(Schmo is the voice of reason and never lets Pave Diver have any fun!)

Pave Diver "Okay, a sudden and virulent attack of acne that wont allow me to leave the house because of the oozing---"

Schmo "Oh, God that’s sick! No, no, no! I’ll say you signed up for the wrong day."

Pave Diver "That’s makes me sound like a moron."

Schmo (silence)

Schmo "And your point is?"

Pave Diver "See you at the meeting on Monday. Be sure to wear your drinkin’ shoes."


Skeeter Demon said...

So, I'm not the only covert operative here? You give me chuckles. To be fair, I'll give you bozo.

Lisa Deon said...

Bozo? The guy with the obnoxious laugh, red hair and WC Fields nose? I'd rather you give me Booze-O. He's like Duff-Man, but with hooch, and a less "Announcer type" voice.

Your 70-days blog is MIA, what happened there? Was Bob involved? It's hard for me to use his name because we use BOB as an acronym. It's short for "Battery Operated Boy." I can't help but wonder if he knows...