Monday, February 11, 2013

A Little Gift From Me To You...

   February is my birth month, and beginning Tuesday 2/12/13 I will be giving away my short Valentine's Day themed story, Splitting The Difference, for free on Amazon  (until 2/15/13). See, it's my gift to you. In return I'd appreciate it if you hit the "like" button (but only if you like it) and share the love with your Kindle owning (or kindle app owning) friends. In the mean time I'll get back to finishing up the sequel to The Carriage Trade, titled The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony, which I hope to publish this spring.

   Now, I need to speak to the men out there. You know who I'm talking about, you people who are planning on asking your significant someone to spend the rest of their life with you.
   The Proposers.
   I have some advice for you.
    Wait, what? Why do I feel that I'm qualified to hand out advice to people getting ready to ask The Big Question?
   Because unlike you serial marriers, who have propose five or six times maximum (I don't know what the world's record is for marriages, but I'm not addressing that person anyway) I've been involved in somewhere around two hundred engagements, so I have a bit more experience than the average Joe. Over the last nine years of being a carriage driver, I've learned a thing or two about what works well and what falls flat. And although I've never had a "No!" on my carriage from the proposee, there have been times I've wanted to say, "Hey, girl, I'd rethink that "yes" if I were you."
   Like when the kid brought his mom along.
   So if you're contemplating popping the question, here are a few tips:
   Don't bring your mother. No good will come of this.
   While elaborate displays of affection are nice, dressing up a couple of stuffed animals from Build-A-Bear like a bride and groom, placing them in a cardboard box as if it's a diorama, complete with the groom bear on bent knee holding the ring, can be really confusing to your intended. You're not putting on a puppet show. Man up and ask the question, do not rely on a stuffed animal to do it for you.
   Women are pretty good sports about many things, but take it from me, when it comes to getting engaged, we are dead serious. We've been daydreaming about this moment from the time we were little girls. So do not turn it into a joke. Do not decide to spend an entire day doing romantic things, ending with a carriage ride, drop her off at her door, and return twenty minutes later because you "forgot" to propose. I can pretty much guarantee your knock will be answered by a red-eyed, blubbering wreck stuffing her face with a carton of chocolate ice cream, chugging straight-from-the-can whip cream chasers. We do not want to look like that when being asked to marry someone.  We want to look like we've just come off a Cosmo shoot, with our hair gently fanning out behind us in luxurious waves, and our makeup all perfect. We do not want to look like Alice Cooper.
   And finally, when you give her an engagement ring, (or an engagement chair, as one friend of mine got, or an engagement Glock 9mm, as another person I know received)  make it the real one. I know the phrase "Size Matters" gets bandied about a lot, but when you give the love of your life  fake jewelry with a stone the size of an avocado pit first as a joke, you are not warming her up. She will not. find. this. funny. You are ruining. the. moment. Seriously, I have to restrain myself from whacking you on the top of your head with my whip.
   So go forth, plan a nice evening, leave the jokes at home, and most importantly, guys, remember to breathe.

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