Friday, November 21, 2008

My Carriage Driver Bail-out Plan

It used to be, over the last four years, if I’d told you that I need a carriage driver bail-out plan, it meant exactly that: The carriage is tipping over, I need to bail out, what is my plan? This only happened to me once, with Mr. Good-Time Charlie at the helm and he jack-knifed the carriage up in the grove, planting the rear wheel against a curb and going into turbo-reverse because of a pair of horse eating schnauzers.


The carriage didn’t tip, but we were on the bubble.


Now it means, like all the other greedy bastards in corporate America, I want some money. Our business has declined over the past couple of years partly because at one time there was a mall directly across the street from where we stage. Now, there is a big hole slowly filling with a concrete infrastructure so another mall can rise up. So the only thing to draw people to Temple Square is the church, and they don’t even sell souvenir t-shirts. But the mall won’t open for another three years at least, so, like everywhere else, sales are down.


Since my only two jobs are carriage driving and writing, I’m kind of at an impasse. Carriage driving, while the most fun job I have ever had, is not paying as well these days as it did in the past. So, conversely, I’m not making as much moolah. Writing? Well, the blog is free to whoever wants to read it, and it’s mostly NOT worth paying for anyway. I mean, come on, it’s not like you learn any thing any way, right? So, because I want to get Novel #1 polished up all nice & shiny, (which is gonna cost me), ready to submit to an agent, and I’m in the midst of writing Novel #2, I’ve decided a bailout is in order. And here’s how I’m gonna work it.


You come down to Temple Square, ask for me, Carlos, and take a ride. Then you tip me. A lot. Like, 'till it hurts. If I’m not working, take a ride with another driver and tell them I sent you and they owe me. I think 10% is good. Yes, I know, that’s extortion, but since “The Godfather” is one of my favorite movies, I’m okay with that.


So let’s get the economy rolling people, and let’s start it rolling with a carriage ride. And when/if I ever get my novels published, I’ll pimp you to run out and buy five copies for your mother.


Or maybe I’ll just sell some crap on eBay.

8 comments:

Tx Lyn said...

Yep, a nice dinner out and/or a carriage ride--that's about the only thing you can spend money on these days that won't just wind up making the Chinese army richer.

Hey--maybe you can get a gig as the corporate carriage driver for the Detroit Three!

Slave Driver said...

Maybe...we could just get the entire Chinese army to take carriage rides and it will all even out in the wash.

I LIKE it!

Stacey said...

It'll be interesting to see how XMas goes this year.

Tx Lyn said...

I think the Chinese army would be much more lovable in carriages than in tanks. Also, could they change those ugly uniforms for some saris or sarongs?

Now we're talking.

And if you got enough of them, you wouldn't need any kind of bailing out.

Mrs. Carriage Claus said...

Christmas had better be good this year. On a teacher salary, with no bonus this year, and an extra horse, I will need all of the tips I can get. Maybe Mr. and Mrs. Claus WILL need to make an appearance.

Slave Driver said...

@Mrs. C.C. Ro is a little worried. The Friday night appointment sheets are not even full. And the phones are very, very quiet

Tx Lyn said...

Do you have to stage in front of the big hole? Could you approach the city government and ask for a better staging spot for the time being?

So much pie.
So much me.
Sigh.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Kelly said...

Hilarious. Today in New Port Richey Florida - on my Roberts Vis-a-vis - we coulda used your bail out plan. Waiting for the bride to step off of the carriage, music blaring - 165 people staring, and the dang horse throws it in reverse. Pushing against the brake, not stopping him at all - can't go forward because the bride is trying to step off. Horror...lemme tell you...we were also on the bubble. Didn't flip, no one hurt - but sometimes it makes me rethink my choice of career...truly.
Good luck good luck - hope all your miles on the box are wonderful. Your writing is fun...