Thursday, January 7, 2010

You Know You're A Carriage Driver In SLC When…

The people in front of you are either stopped or moving too slow you tell them to "Walk on!"

You know the location of every pot hole around Temple Square.

You feel naked if you leave your house wearing less than four layers of clothing.

You know that frozen strawberry Twizzlers taste better than room temperature ones.

You roll your eyes when the person in front of you in line pays with a credit card because you think it'll take forever, and then you breathe a sigh of relief when you realize you're in the "real world" and the clerk doesn’t have to write the information by hand, they only have to swipe it.

You know the difference between animals being worked and animals being abused.

You can spot a panhandler from 100 yards away.

You carry a bag full of snacks. Everywhere.

You know that not only do horses like apples and carrots, but they like Twizzlers, Mambas, Starburst Fruit Chews and Oreo cookies. Especially Oreo cookies. Except Cisco.

You overdress for every weather occasion because it's easier to take off then put on.

You know traffic patterns so well that even your horse knows when to change lanes.

You're in your car, and while the other motorists watch for the light to change to green, you watch the crosswalk countdown timer and start creeping ahead when it's at "01" so you'll have plenty of time to get through the intersection.

You forget you're in your car and stop at the intersection line when the crosswalk timer is under "10" because you might not have enough time to make it through before the light changes, and the people behind you think you're just some random idiot.

Not only do you know the location of every restaurant and hotel in the downtown area, but you can tell someone the best places to park and what streets to avoid. And which restaurants to avoid. And to stay away from Pioneer Park, unless they want 1)drugs 2) a souvenir knife wound or 3) a mugging.

You sneer at people who consider 32 degrees to be "cold". 6 degrees is cold, 32 degrees is Bar-B-Que and shorts weather.

Your kid runs too far ahead of you in the grocery store and you tell them to "Ho!"

You know the proper definition of "Flipping a bitch."

You look for a parking spot at least 17 feet long even though you’re driving a compact car.

You consider the snazzy and stylish "winter boots" in a shoe store Barbie clothes, because you know "real" winter boots weigh at least 10 pounds and, if necessary, can be used as a weapon.

Feel free to add to the list.


~A~ said...

Haha.. ooh look the lurker is coming out of hiding. Yeah I know I always read and never comment but I had to today. The driving stuff I do it all the time, but mostly when I'm downtown. I have stopped at green lights because the counter is under 10 and I always watch them when its red. And yes I have told various people to walk on. Its also good to know that I'm not the only one that laughs at the winter boots in the store.

Texanne said...

Entertaining as usual, SD. Hmm. Maybe I should do a post about how to tell if you've spent too much time driving a 35 foot motor home. Like, you keep watching the rear view mirrors to check and see if your 50 foot electrical cord has unwound in lanes. Again. Or, you choose lanes based on how many dishes you figure each one will break. Or, as you pass 18 wheelers flung around the icy/windy landscape, you keep telling yourself, "I have better tires."

Or, sigh, you realize that once again, you have run right over your chocks.

Belle's personal assistant said...

Yep, I am still qualified to be a carriage driver in SLC. My kids are used to Walk On, mush, Git! My dog knows walk on as well as he knows sit. I LMBO (I use Buttocks instead) when my inlaws complain of it being cold and needing a jacket in 60-70 degree weather.

My favorite equine companions also loved the listerine breathe strips. Mikey loved them on his upper gums!

Yes, I have bags of snacks!

I am used to drinking sodas at almost any temperature and unless it is boiling I will drink warm Coke. But the best is when it turns to slush the second that the can/bottle is opened!!!

I know how to pack to stay warm. Kid #2 went snow camping and took three huge duffles of clothing, snacks, and bedding. He may not have used them, but he was PREPARED!

All of my kids have Carharts.

I still look for huge parking spots because I drive a white Elephant.

I expect animals to have a purpose, not just to look cute. I have to work, so should they! Cats-great mousers, Chickens-eggs and 4-H projects, rabbits-meat and 4-H projects, pelts, horses-companions, and stress reliever, 4-H projects, school projects. The list goes on, and on, and on.

Belle is spoiled rotten, but she still must put up with me, that is a job all on its own. Just ask Mr. BPA!

Anonymous said...

Carriage driver from philly says,

Wow.... guess its kinda the same everywhere...

you guys speak soothingly to your car when a cement mixer pulls up next to you in traffic too?