Hell for the technically challenged.

I got a new printer. It’s a laser printer. I got it because it was recommended that if I’m going to be sending out sample copies of my manuscript I need to have nice, crisp print on the paper. That’s a must, or so I am told.

I’ve been told a lot of things. They include but are not limited to this criterion:

An agent will not read your manuscript if it has any of the following No-No’s:

Spelling errors. Punctuation errors. Margins that exceed 1 inch all around. Font that is not 12 pt. Times New Roman. Stained pages. Wrinkled pages. Dog-eared corners (because that proves that someone else has read and rejected it so why should they bother?). Staples. Paper clips. Holes. Red marks, blue marks, green marks, coffee marks, the orange stuff Cheetos leave on your hands, or spit.

So, I bought a new laptop a few weeks ago because my former laptop was old. And I woofed the operating system. Yes, I am talented. So I got a new laptop with wireless. I managed to set that up with my thing. I think they call it a modem. But not before I messed the entire “network’ up and had to call Qwest to be bailed out of connection jail.

So now I can sit on the couch and write, or surf the net, or play spider solitaire. I wanted my laser printer to be wireless also, so from my ass plant on the couch I could print the pages of my masterpiece. I waited to purchase one that would be inexpensive, so when a big box computer store close to my home had one on sale, I bought it. It was small, wireless, and inexpensive, all things I wanted. I even researched it online, checking reviews of previous owners of the printer. They all said it was great. Fabulous, even. So simple even a caveman could do it.

Oh, yay.

So, I liberated it from its box, followed all the step-by-step easy instructions, and went about connecting the laptop to the printer.

Needless to say I was hopelessly lost. You see, I’m a carriage driver. I drive a carriage, attached to a horse. It’s kind of low tech. Bill Gates I am not. Of course I’d like to see Bill Gates pilot a 17-foot vehicle whose engine has it’s own agenda around Temple Square during the Christmas traffic cluster f*ck.

That would be fun. I’d pay a dollar to watch that shit.

My laptop’s wireless capabilities couldn’t “see” my wireless printer. So, being that my laptop has a web cam, I lifted the laptop and “showed” it to the printer.

I said, “Look, there it is! Isn’t it pretty? And it has a great personality. I bet it’s a good dancer, too”

Nope, still not working.

I waved the laptop over the printer, hoping some magic voodoo might help them connect.

Nope. I got nothing.

The instructions, which were in Engrish, said I could use an Ethernet cable to connect my printer to my modem thingy and then once they were connected, I could disconnect them and POOF! The wireless part would work. So, I hunted for my extra Ethernet cable, but I put it away several weeks ago when I connected the wireless laptop to the modem, wirelessly. I put it in a “Safe Place.”

Apparently my “Safe Place” is in the same location as my “Happy Place.” I can’t find either of them right now, so I unplugged one of the desktops and poached the cord. I connected the modem thingy to the printer and followed the Simple Step-By-Step instructions which were as follows:

“Simply saunter down the Congo, pass a funnel cake stand and rub the solution in your follicles. Rename your phlebotomist “Weezer” and wash, rinse, repeat.”

I followed the instructions and got the modem to recognize the printer, even though I did not lift the laptop and “show it” to the modem. Happily I disconnected the cord and POOF!

They lied.

Finally, digging around in a drawer full of cords and other technical gee-gaws that belong to who knows what I found a USB cable and connected the printer to the laptop. It is not cordless, but it does print. And the print is clean and crisp. But the laptop has to sit in a chair next to the printer.

Maybe they’ll get to know each other over time, build a relationship of trust and mutual respect, and eventually, connect.

Wirelessly.