Oy! The Things I Do For You...

Free. Yep, EFF ARE EEE EEE. Free: Complimentary. Gratis. For nothing. On the house.  Gratuitous. Chargeless. Pro bono. Zip. Bupkiss. Nanda. Without cost. Unencumbered.

Starting at  midnight, May 1, 2013 through midnight May 5, 2013, for the first time ever, you can download, for FREE,  The Carriage Trade. 

But wait! There's more!  Splitting the Difference will be free also, but I've given that one away before. So you might already have it.

"Why?" You might ask yourself, "Is the notoriously cheap frugal Slave Driver being so benevolent?" Has she inherited a butt-load of money from a distant relative? Won the Nigerian Lottery, perhaps? Had an epiphany and converted to an organized religion?

Naw... It's all a ploy. Because I realized, by watching various ABC Afterschool Specials when I was a child, that smart dealers give out the first hit of their product for free. Once you've been exposed to the wonders of _________ (crack, Costco, Netflix: fill in your poison here) if you enjoy it, you're hooked. And then you want more.

So I'm hoping that you will be hooked on my voice. Download The Carriage Trade for free, and maybe you'll want to read the sequel, The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony. Which, coincidentally, is being released tomorrow also. But that book isn't free. It's $4.99.

Why not collect the whole set!?!

See how it works? Sneaky, huh?

So run! (do not walk) over to my Lisa Deon author page on Amazon and stick it to the man by downloading two free eBooks. And, you know, buy The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony, since you're over there anyway. After all, why waste the virtual gas and have to make another internet trek to get the third book later on. Really, it's a matter of convenience. See the kind of favor I'm doing you? Logical, if you think about it.

What's that? You don't own a Kindle? Why not? I've got over 170 books on mine and it never once gained any weight. When I grow up, I want to be a Kindle reading device. Think how luxurious it would be to devour the most tasty morsels and never gain an ounce.

Okay, so you don't want a Kindle, because you're a ludite, or have a paper eating habit, like to dog-ear the pages, or have an aversion to shiny, pretty things. Well, obviously you got here using an electronic device, so go download the free (I've used that word a lot in this post) Kindle Reader app for your platform of choice and dive right in.

But wait!!! THERE'S EVEN MORE!!!

I'm running a contest. A fabulous contest where you can win one of the highly coveted The Carriage Trade or The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony coffee mugs! Yes, it's true! Purchase The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony and you have a chance to win a beautiful mug to slurp the beverage of your choice from. Coffee, tea, vodka, some shit that's healthy for you, I don't care! Use it to store pencils, cotton balls or change. Ensconce it in a shrine or carry it down a dark alley and use it as a weapon. How you utilize it matters naught to me.  But if you're going to buy the novel anyway, make sure you follow the steps that will enter you into the contest.

Two winners will be selected.

Prizes: One (1) coffee cup printed with the cover images of either The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony or The Carriage Trade. Winners will be given their choice of which mug design they wish to receive.

1.TWO WAYS TO ENTER  Between 12:01 am on May 1, 2013 and 11:59 pm on May 5, 2013, "LIKE" the Facebook page of Lisa Deon Writer , https://www.facebook.com/LisaDeonWriter and then purchase a download copy of the eBook The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony by Lisa Deon on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Re-Education-Trick-Carriage-Chronicles-ebook/dp/B00CKGBLRI/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1367348611&sr=1-1&keywords=Lisa+deon and post that you have done so on the Lisa Deon Writer Facebook page after the purchase has been made.

OR (for you non-Facebook people)

Between 12:01 am on May 1, 2013 and 11:59 pm on May 5, 2013, purchase a download copy of the eBook The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony. When you receive an email confirmation of purchase from Amazon, forward that email copy to me, Lisa{at}LisaDeon{dot}com

2. ELIGIBILITY: Open to legal residents of the fifty United States and District of Columbia who purchase an eBook copy of The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony between May 1, 2013 and May 5, 2013. Purchaser must share their purchase on their own Facebook page and "like" the Lisa Deon Writer Facebook page to be entered in the giveaway. Failure to "Like" the Lisa Deon Writer page, and then post your purchase on both your personal Facebook page and the Lisa Deon Writer Facebook page, or failure to forward the Amazon email detailing your purchase of TheRe-Education of the One Trick Pony to me (Lisa{at}LisaDeon{dot}com) will make you ineligible to win.

3. WINNERS SELECTION: Winners will be selected within 48 hours after the close of the event from among all eligible entries received during the Giveaway. Winners will be determined at random using Random.org. Winners will be announced on the giveaway post and contacted via email by May 7, 2013. Winners will have 48 hours to respond with their full name, mailing address and email information to claim their prize or a new winner will be selected. Mailing address must be within the fifty United States and District of Columbia. A list of winners can be requested at anytime by contacting Lisa{at}LisaDeon{dot}com. Winners need to send their information to Lisa {at}LisaDeon{dot}com

4. ODDS OF WINNING: Odds of winning a prize is dependent upon the total number of eligible purchase entries received. Prizes are limited to one (1) per household.

5. GENERAL: Subject to all federal, state and local laws/regulations. Neither Lisa Deon nor any affiliates will have any liability whatsoever for any injuries, losses or damages of any kind caused by any prize or resulting from acceptance, use and/or misuse of any prize or possession, due to participation in this promotion. Acceptance of a prize shall be construed as and signify the winner’s agreement and consent that Lisa Deon / Sponsor may use the winner’s name, likeness and/or prize information, without limitation, for promotional purposes without further consideration, review, approval or payment, where allowed by law. By participating in this promotion, entrants agree to be bound by the decisions of Lisa Deon / Sponsor, which are final and binding in all respects.

6. INTERNET: Lisa Deon / Sponsor is not responsible for electronic transmission errors resulting in omission, interruption, deletion, defect, delay in operations or transmission or alterations of entry materials, or for technical, network, telephone equipment, electronic, computer, hardware or software malfunctions or limitations of any kind, or inaccurate transmissions of or failure to receive entry information by Lisa Deon / Sponsor on account of technical problems or traffic congestion on the Internet or at any website or any combination thereof. If, for any reason, the promotions are not capable of running as planned for any reason Lisa Deon / Sponsor reserves the right to cancel, terminate, modify or suspend the Giveaway and select the winners by random drawing from among all eligible entries received from all methods combined up to the point of the action taken by Lisa Deon / Sponsor.

7. SPONSOR: Lisa Deon  is the host of the giveaway and Sponsor. The Sponsor is deemed to be the party providing the product for the giveaway. Lisa Deon / Sponsor is responsible for shipment and delivery of giveaway product, unless otherwise specified.

8. DISCLOSURE: The prize for the Giveaway is not considered compensation in order to facilitate a review. The comments made within the post are in no way edited or influenced by any parties, including Lisa Deon / Sponsor.

So, to sum it up:

1)"Like" my Facebook Lisa Deon Writer page.

2)Buy a copy of The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony

3)"Share" through Amazon (which gets posted on your Facebook page) that you have made the purchase.

4)Go back to my Lisa Deon Writer page and post that you have purchased the book.

5)I then verify your purchase, and enter you in the contest.

6) Check back on at my blog, Confessions of a Slave Driver May 7 to see if you are a WINNER!

OR

1) Between 12:01 am on May 1, 2013 and 11:59 pm on May 5, 2013, purchase a download copy of the eBook The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony.

2)When you receive an email confirmation of purchase from Amazon, forward that email copy to me, Lisa{at}LisaDeon{dot}com

3)I then verify your purchase, and enter you in the contest.

4) Check back at my blog, Confessions of a Slave Driver on May 7 to see if you are a WINNER

Easy peasey.

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED, TAXED, OR FROWNED UPON.

This is NOT "My Pretty Pony"...

I spent last weekend at a mansion with a bunch of romance writers. My roomie and I had nice digs. A beautiful queen size bed, bathroom with a claw footed tub, although our loft was infested with three other writers... but that wasn't problematic in the least. They climbed up the ladder to their attic enclosure and didn't toss miscellaneous flotsam onto us while we were sleeping so everything was good. I had just brought up my second load of junk (I do not travel light. Go camping with me... If you forget something, it's not a problem; I've brought along two) and dropped it in the corner when I spied a wooden object behind the headboard. 

The designed of this house is a little odd... lots of weird angles and cubbyholes causes furniture to sit in the middle of a room instead of against a wall. At first glance I was delighted by my discovery; that is, until I got a closer look. What should have been an awesome find for a person as addicted to horses as I am, ended up giving us the heebie-jeebies.

You see, I'd found Deviltariat. He was an enormous demon horse, carved from the sick psyche of someone who obviously has never been enamoured with horses of any kind. His wooden eyes glowed with malice, and his open mouth was poised to bite. And, he was the size of a pony. 

"Why, oh why?" I cried, falling to my knees in front of the horse from hell, begging him not to kill me in my sleep. Okay, I didn't really do that. But what I did do was to throw a towel over his head to block out his evil thoughts. Then I made a tinfoil hat to wear while sleeping, so his aberrant telepathic images wouldn't invade my already over-imaginative writer's mind. 

But that's just me. You might have slept like a baby. You know, with THIS only inches behind your head~

I thought not.

The rest of the house was no less, err, interesting when it came to the choice of decor. There is a huge presence of carved stuff. I found it particularly disturbing to have Angels looking as my butt when I was seated on the toilet. 

However, I will admit that the view of the canyon, deer and wild turkey outside made up for the oddities inside. Even considering I was surrounded by writers, and we are infamous for coming up with weird stuff like this.

Indoor Pool

A non-creepy yet huge Remington cast

Deer chillin' in someone's front yard.

Anyway, my next blog will be about my new book, The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony. There will be contests, prizes, cake, and of course wine. You can win the prizes. The cake and wine are mine. 

All mine.

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch~

So I have done pretty much all I can do up to this point with my novel. Currently, I'm in a kind of writer's limbo, waiting for edits and critiques from people. What I do while I'm waiting is dink around with the cover, order promotional items from Vista Print and Walmart photo, and cobble together a synopsis.

Here is what I have so far:

The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony:

After you get to Happily Ever After, how do you keep from mucking it up?

Carlin "Carlos" Farley Fantazma's world had finally settled into her best imitation of normal. Saddled with brain damage, aphasia, and a prosthetic left foot, she controls the reins of a successful horse drawn carriage company; that is, with the assistance of her friends and employees. Married to the man she has loved all of her life, their joy at expecting a child is only slightly offset by her fear that she'll leave her baby someplace and forget where she put it.

Bill Fantazma is torn between loving his wife so much he finds it hard to breathe, and wanting to strangle her for her feisty independence and occasional outrageous behavior. He's trying to juggle his own career needs while surreptitiously micro-managing his wife. So he sees no problem with the little white lie he tells to avoid the possibility of bailing her out of jail for attempted murder. But they all discover that deception can be insidious, and wishing he'd paid attention to a creeping shadow of doubt could have saved the life of a much loved employee.

Loyalties are tested, relationships are fractured, and accusations are hurled, but when the real enemy's agenda threatens everything, the women of the tribe coalesce and make sure that retribution is swift, painful, and long lasting. And in the end, someone will discover that to be successful in life you have to be willing to improvise.

Some people do the right thing. Some people do the wrong thing. And some people do things because a little birdie tells them to...

And this is what I have so far for the cover:

Yes, I know there is a big blank space on the left; that's for the spine and the back cover. That tag line/synopsis/tag line will be there, but I can't do anything else until the interior file is ready to go.  Plus, MBA says I need to have my name bigger, but once again I have to wait until I get it on Createspace to tighten up the graphics.

Otherwise, not much else is new. Except we went to the annual Holi Festival of Color at the Krishna Temple in Spanish Fork, Utah. 

There were a lot of people there; the festival gets bigger every year. We stayed for the first throw, then we left. I do not like crowds. 

I'm aiming for a release date of May 1, 2013 for the eBook and June 1, 2013 for the paperback. While we wait, enjoy this picture of my dog, Kiowa, and the Nylabone that's almost a big as she is:

Tag, You're It!

"Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water..."

"What can you say about a twenty-five year old girl who died?"

"Beef. It's what's for dinner."

Tag lines. They can make or break a product. Movies and books are products, so is beef. Beef is a yummy, yummy, product. Mmmm...beeeeffff...

Sorry, I got sidetracked by my stomach. Anyway, it took me a while to come up with the opening and closing tag lines for The Carriage Trade. Between the opening and closing tags, you put the synopsis, but sometimes tag lines are so memorable (Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...) there is no need for a synopsis.

The novels I write are complex. The characters have a hideous amount of back story, much of which I don't even put in. So trying to sum them up in an opening and closing line can be difficult. This is what I used for The Carriage Trade:

How do you get to Happily Ever After if you can't remember where it began?

Then the synopsis.

It's a romance she can't remember and he can never forget.

The heroine has brain damage, and uses contractions constantly, even when a word is not really a contraction, like gonna, or wanna for going to or want to. The hero is very. precise. The only word he alters is darlin' because it rhymes with the heroine's name, Carlin. I used that as motivation for the tag lines.
Carlin:
It's a romance she can't remember  (two contractions for her)
Bill:
and he can never forget (zero for him)

The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony has the same cast of characters and takes place two years after The Carriage Trade ends. So far I haven't gotten a synopsis written, because when it comes to writing a synopsis, I am an epic failure. However, I have come up with opening and closing tag lines:

After you get to Happily Ever After, how do you keep from mucking it up?

<--insert here--="" sucknopsis="">

Some people do things for the right reason. Some people do things for the wrong reason. And some people do things because a little birdie tells them to. 

The book is finished and in the hands of editors and beta readers. My soft publication date is May 1, 2013 (eBook format) I have a book signing and launch party scheduled for June 15, 2013 at Marissa's Books, 5664 South 900 East, in Salt Lake City from 2:00 to 5:00 pm. I will have paperbacks for both books available.  I will be giving away fabulous door prizes, so come by, purchase a copy of either The Carriage Trade or One trick Pony and be entered to win.

For updates, friend me on Facebook, Lisa Deon Author.

Jaws / Love Story / Sam Elliot's sexy voice that feels like warm butter melting on your skin for the Beef Council.

Almost There...

I'm really close to finishing the second novel in my Carriage Chronicles, The Reeducation of the One Trick Pony  (Number one is The Carriage Trade). And since I cannot write 24/7 I occasionally work on the cover.

This is just the rough draft. I still have to add the text and clean up the edges.  So, what do you think?

Also, I've been getting a lot of traffic from this post over at Horse Nation. Apparently Charlie has made it into the Big Butt Club, or something like that...

A Little Gift From Me To You...

   February is my birth month, and beginning Tuesday 2/12/13 I will be giving away my short Valentine's Day themed story, Splitting The Difference, for free on Amazon  (until 2/15/13). See, it's my gift to you. In return I'd appreciate it if you hit the "like" button (but only if you like it) and share the love with your Kindle owning (or kindle app owning) friends. In the mean time I'll get back to finishing up the sequel to The Carriage Trade, titled The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony, which I hope to publish this spring.

   Now, I need to speak to the men out there. You know who I'm talking about, you people who are planning on asking your significant someone to spend the rest of their life with you.
   The Proposers.
   I have some advice for you.
    Wait, what? Why do I feel that I'm qualified to hand out advice to people getting ready to ask The Big Question?
   Because unlike you serial marriers, who have propose five or six times maximum (I don't know what the world's record is for marriages, but I'm not addressing that person anyway) I've been involved in somewhere around two hundred engagements, so I have a bit more experience than the average Joe. Over the last nine years of being a carriage driver, I've learned a thing or two about what works well and what falls flat. And although I've never had a "No!" on my carriage from the proposee, there have been times I've wanted to say, "Hey, girl, I'd rethink that "yes" if I were you."
   Like when the kid brought his mom along.
   So if you're contemplating popping the question, here are a few tips:
   Don't bring your mother. No good will come of this.
   While elaborate displays of affection are nice, dressing up a couple of stuffed animals from Build-A-Bear like a bride and groom, placing them in a cardboard box as if it's a diorama, complete with the groom bear on bent knee holding the ring, can be really confusing to your intended. You're not putting on a puppet show. Man up and ask the question, do not rely on a stuffed animal to do it for you.
   Women are pretty good sports about many things, but take it from me, when it comes to getting engaged, we are dead serious. We've been daydreaming about this moment from the time we were little girls. So do not turn it into a joke. Do not decide to spend an entire day doing romantic things, ending with a carriage ride, drop her off at her door, and return twenty minutes later because you "forgot" to propose. I can pretty much guarantee your knock will be answered by a red-eyed, blubbering wreck stuffing her face with a carton of chocolate ice cream, chugging straight-from-the-can whip cream chasers. We do not want to look like that when being asked to marry someone.  We want to look like we've just come off a Cosmo shoot, with our hair gently fanning out behind us in luxurious waves, and our makeup all perfect. We do not want to look like Alice Cooper.
   And finally, when you give her an engagement ring, (or an engagement chair, as one friend of mine got, or an engagement Glock 9mm, as another person I know received)  make it the real one. I know the phrase "Size Matters" gets bandied about a lot, but when you give the love of your life  fake jewelry with a stone the size of an avocado pit first as a joke, you are not warming her up. She will not. find. this. funny. You are ruining. the. moment. Seriously, I have to restrain myself from whacking you on the top of your head with my whip.
   So go forth, plan a nice evening, leave the jokes at home, and most importantly, guys, remember to breathe.
 
 
 

The Importance of Films and Squirrels

No need to poke me with a stick. I'm not dead. At least as of this writing.

I've just finished working the Sundance Film Festival, moving my office from the main floor to the (da da dum...) basement (actually it's light and airy down there, but bloody cold sometimes) and I turn old soon so I'm enjoying my birthday-week-festival. Also, I'm back to writing more of a book. Some of you people who have been harassing encouraging me will be pleased to hear that.

Today Mr. Slave Driver and I went to Wal-Mart, where the bulk of our conversation centered around the new shopping carts. I kid you not. Pathetic? Yes, I'll agree with that. But hey, where else would you hear such witty and sparkling dialogue as this:

Mr. SD: "They have new shopping carts. Wait until you see them."

SD: "Seriously?"

Mr. SD, having been to Wal-Mart the day before and is therefore in the know, points out the shiny, lighter blue plastic trimmed carts while demonstrating how effortless it is to push them since the brand new wheels are not gummed up with body hair, string, Jujubees, old price stickers and, well, gum. 

"Look, they glide across the floor."

They do. They really, really do.

SD: "It's like pushing a shopping cart on a cloud." I stop for a moment, fondle the non-hacked up handle, take a deep breath and say, "Mmmm. Don't you just love that new shopping cart smell?"

A little while later;

SD: "I could shop here for hours and never once feel like I'm wrestling a pig."

Mr. SD: "Until you get to the checkout."

SD: "Well, there is that."

Yes, I did in fact stop and photograph the brand new shopping carts. 

Anyway, the real reason for this blog post (besides the aforementioned  reminder that I am not dead) is to talk about the importance of film. Not that I want you to quit reading. Really, read something every day or your brain will rot. Especially if you tend to plop on the couch and watch reality television. Because while pundits predict that the Zombie Apocalypse will begin with an aberrant strain of rabies, or something viral and possibly related to Mad Cow disease,  I'm of the opinion that reality TV will turn your brain to mush. By extension, your body will crave to replace the mush with vibrant brain cells. Thus the propensity of Zombies to eat brains. They're not hungry, they're attempting to replace grey matter. They just go about it in an ineffective manner.

So, films. While at Wal-Mart we often dig through the $5 DVD bargain bin. I've found some movies in there that in the not too distant past that I paid full price for, which really chaps my ass because I'm cheap. But I have also been blessed to find some not-so-recent movies that once were at the pinnacle of pop culture.

Like Deliverance.

Go ahead, I know you want to quote it. I always do.

"You got a pretty mouth."

"I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig."

I made PFC The Kid watch the first twenty minutes. They pull up to the gas station, and that's where the Ronny Cox character gets into a pickin' and grinnin' contest with the inbred kid sittin' on the porch. That scene is dynamic. But what I pointed out to PFC The Kid was that they filled up the gas tank of a Country Squire station wagon and it was something like $4.12. When I noted that, she said, "Per GALLON?" I explained that it was for the whole tank. I also had to tell her that the buff looking tough guy was Burt Reynolds before he went and knocked on the door of a bad plastic surgeon. Probably one recommended by Kenny Rogers.

Today we purchased The Exorcist. Cutting edge and really scary when it premiered. Now it's kind of "Meh," (shrug) and tame by the horror flicks and CGI of today's standards. (I also have the original 1968 version of Night of the Living Dead by George A. Romero which is in black and white. It's actually more a comment on society than zombies, but I digress...) But to me the music never gets old. Play "Tubular Bells" and I'll recognize it every time. Just as when I hear the Da DUM, da DUM from Jaws, I know bad. shit. is. gonna. happen.

And, of course, get out of the water!!!

The sign says $5, but these classics are priceless!

Another great film I got today is The Professional. Jean Reno and a very young Natalie Portman. In December I picked up Lost Boys. Vampires were bad ass back then, not all sparkly and filled with angst like they are now.*

And here's a confession; not only did I use to cruise the pre-viewed movie bin at Blockbuster and whore up on them at 5 for $20.00, but when the Blockbuster by our house closed, we purchased three of their wall mounted DVD racks. Now, I currently only have one installed, but since they can double as a bookcase, I'm considering having Mr. SD put up the other two.

Because at the rate I'm going with movies, "We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Oh, and squirrels are not important at all, unless you're asking Kathy Bates for directions. In which case, "You should have bought a squirrel."

*Fun fact; Jami Gertz attended my high school. Of course, so did Hillary Clinton, Harrison Ford and CNBC's Scott Cohn, who I do actually KIRL.

And yes, I do tend to ramble. But so do squirrels. 

Free for a Limited Time

Some of you may know that besides my two currently available pieces of fiction, the first time I was published it was in a non fiction collection. That collection has been re-released, and is available free for a *limited time as a download from Amazon.

The book is called Ignite Your Passion Kindle Your Internal Spark and is a collection of essays about how people decided to chuck their daily grind and finally do what they wanted. With work. Not like, "I've always wanted to be a serial killer and finally achieved my goal of figuring out how many heads you can stuff into one of those huge blue Ikea bags."

Please note:  We do not encourage that behavior. That behavior is bad. Bad!

So, go HERE and download this book. It is free until January 14, 2013 and is only available at Amazon. You never know when you might decide that you're tired of what you do and want to do something you love instead. But not serial killing, and, despite the book's title, it will not train you to be an arsonist. Once again, bad! Very bad!

(Oh and by the way, stop thinking about the number of heads you can fit into a giant blue Ikea bag. It's ten. TEN, I tell you. I've already done the research. And don't ask me how I know, or it might be eleven.)

On the Radio

The Christmas craziness is almost over for me. Two more nights of work and then I can get back to finishing The Re-education of the One Trick Pony. In between gearing up for the Sundance Film Festival, that is. So for now, I've included the following link to a radio panel I participated in about  romance. Have a listen over at:

http://ontherightsideradio.com/happy-new-year2/o

How To Build A Better Mousetrap

Well, not really. As a carriage driver, I rarely need a mousetrap on my carriage. Inside the barn, however, is a whole 'nother story.

Wease and I watched a You Tube video of a driver in NYC who was being illegally detained by some random RARA a-hole. I yelled at my computer monitor with such vehemence that I thought I was going to work myself into a major stroke. So at one point, I shut it off so save me months in a vegetative state and eventual plug pulling.

But I digress... The thing that caught my attention on the video was the way the driver was cradling an umbrella in the crook of her elbow while driving. This is a tricky and cumbersome practice. But it gave me an idea.

Tada!

So I posted photos of my super-fantastic bumbershoot apparatus on Facebook and was immediately asked by another driver how I rigged it up. So, here is a pictorial do-it-yourself:

1 1/4 inch PVC and a "T" of the same size. You'll need a 

piece long enough to use for bottom brace and an upright.

Two regular size bungee cords, one a little longer than the other; thread one through 

the PVC, use the second one to attach around the seat rest upright supports of the carriage. 

If your carriage is not equipped as so, I'm sure you can improvise something...

So, shove your straight handled (obviously a "J" style won't work) umbrella down into the PVC upright. Use four small bungee cords to secure the umbrella to the PVC~ I drilled four holes into the upright and hooked it in that way. Sit on the box and adjust the upright length to suit you. I'm short: I wanted enough head room that I would be protected yet be able to see the traffic lights. I also used two velcro straps (because I had them already) to secure the upright to the seat back. Wease used a bungee in an "X" formation. Wease and I toyed with the idea of adding a 45 degree angle that could be rotated to deflect the wind depending on the direction it is blowing, or your direction of travel. But I think that gets too complicated. 

So have fun making this and stay dry out there. 

If you want to thank me, you can buy a copy of my book. 

ACK!

Christmas time is here! Yay! For many of you that's an exciting notion, filled with festive activities and days filled with glee. For me it means working five days a week, which kicks my ass because I'm a naturally lazy person. I also have been getting messages from my body that I might be getting too old for this job.

I realized the other day that I have not been getting email notification of comments, so I apologize if it seems I have been ignoring you. I wasn't. I just didn't realize you were there.

I met with a friend of mine last week who is an English teacher. She went through The Carriage Trade and made notations where I used incorrect punctuation, grammar, or sentence structure. I suck at those things and I appreciate her assistance very much. I will be uploading a corrected version of The Carriage Trade to both Smashwords and Amazon for Kindle very soon.

In the mean time, I leave you with a snippet from The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony:

***

Carlos checked her phone for the time. 3:10. When did I get here? She frowned, and then shrugged, unconcerned with minor details, but a little surprised that the girls hadn't bothered to come and find her yet. Nora wouldn't care about returning home at the scheduled time. Teagan, on the other hand, considered herself late if she arrived a mere ten minutes early. Teagan's personal time zone consistently ran at least thirty minutes ahead of everyone else's.

I should go back to the RV and tell them about the flea market, see if any of them want to stop in for a while. Looking around to get her bearings, she shuffled past rows of shiny knick knacks, used clothing, puzzles, toys, paintings on velvet, car stereos and assorted junk, making her way to the exit.

In the parking lot of the gas station Carlos slowly turned around in the spot the RV once occupied. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish, but no sound came forth. For once in her life, for reasons not due to a medical condition, Carlos Farley-Fantazma was absolutely speechless. With her fisted hands stiff at her sides, she stamped her left foot on the asphalt and simultaneously raised her face to the sky, releasing a loud growl of frustration.

She dug deep to conjure up the worst curses she could, considering they were all really good friends of hers. "Those assholes ditched me! Dirty rat bastards! Drunken, lying, puppy thieves! Fucknuts!" Carlos heard a door close nearby. Glancing over her shoulder she watched an elderly man in church clothes give her a dirty look as he walked around to the driver's side after depositing his white haired passenger in her seat.

She slapped her hand on her belt, searching for the cell phone clipped to it. Wrenching it out of the holster she hit Teagan’s speed dial. The phone made a series of noises but did not connect. Carlos looked at the signal strength. Zero bars.

"Now I remember why I don’t like Idaho. Fuck!" She looked around immediately after swearing, seeing whom she might have offended this time, but the parking lot was vacant.

Carlos decided to hang around a little while longer, hoping that they would turn up eventually. She tried every number in her contact list, but none would connect. Finally, boredom and the lure of the treasures behind the drive-in fence got the better of her and she returned to the flea market.

She stopped in front of a pen containing a puppy that she remembered passing earlier when it was full, nearly bursting with their unfettered energy. She frowned. Now there was only one dog left. It looked pathetic, and a little on the sickly side.

“What happened to the rest of them? There was a bunch just a minute ago,” she asked the red haired, freckled boy hovering around the pen. Picking up the lethargic puppy, she looked it over. It had a pot belly and rheumy eyes, with goop stuck in the corners. Wormy and it needs an anti…anti something or another, she thought. It needs a vet.

He gave her a strange look. “We got rid of them all, like, an hour ago, except for that one,” he said. “Want him?" The boy glanced around quickly, "He’s free.”

“How much were the other ones?” She couldn't remember if there had been a sign or not. She turned the puppy around in her hands, inspecting him. I don’t need another dog. Bill will kill me…

“The others were a hundred dollars each. He’s got good bloodlines,” the boy told her, looking around cautiously. “Lady,” his voice dropped so low she could hardly hear him, “if I don’t find him a home my parents will have him destroyed. He’s the runt."

“Destroyed? What kind of person does that?” Carlos herself was somewhat of a runt, especially when she stood next to her husband. She was barely over five foot tall compared to Bill's six and a half. Growing up together he'd called her 'munchkin' a few times, until she'd beaten the snot out of him for it.

“My parents are breeders, they have no use for the runts,” he said, still keeping his voice quiet.

“What kind of dog is this?” she asked, unfamiliar with the puppy’s breed or color; if it had been a horse, she would have called it a blue roan. Carlos had always been an equestrienne, and wasn't too familiar with canines. Through customers at the dog grooming business that Teagan owned, Bill found a retired show dog, a female Pomeranian with the registered name of 'Miss Tinkers Kitty Boo' that Bill adopted for her not long after they got married. 'Miss Tinkers Kitty Boo' was too convoluted of a name for Carlos to remember, so Bill called the dog Kitty. He figured that an older pet would be much easier on both of them than a puppy. Too bad Teagan’s not here, I should check with her before I make a decision. She always bitches about people buying dogs from the back of cars in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Something about impulse buying and ten to fifteen years…

“He’s a Heeler,” the boy's reply interrupted her thoughts.

“What is that? Like a Native American Medicine dog? I don’t understand. What does it heal?” Cuddling the puppy against her chest, she frowned at the boy.

A burly looking man walked up behind the boy, who noticeably cringed as the man spoke in a booming voice. “That there dog can heel what ever you got!”

“Really?” Carlos said, impressed. “Can it heal itself?”

The father appeared to be confused. “I suppose, but you have to train it,” he told her, with less volume and enthusiasm than before.

The boy’s eyes made a silent plea. Carlos's glance flicked from the boy, to the man, to the pup in her arms.

Carlos sighed and rolled her eyes. “Fine, I’ll take it,” she said sullenly.

Burly Man slapped his hands together with renewed enthusiasm. “That’ll be a hundred dollars,” he said. Then Burly Man, whom Carlos was growing to intensely dislike with each passing second, held out his hand for payment.

Carlos looked from the outstretched hand to the boy, and back again to the man, her brows knitted together. “He said it was free because it’s the runt.” She tossed her head to indicate the boy.

Burly Man’s face darkened, and he turned, glaring at the boy, raising his arm as if to smack him. Realizing he had Carlos for an audience he curled his flat hand into a pointing finger, shaking it in the boys face.

“Marlin! You quit tellin’ people dogs are free!" he hissed. "I’d put a dog down ‘fore I give ‘em for nothin’! I got a lot in–vested in them dogs. Stupid boy.” He turned back to Carlos and gave her a greasy smile. “Now that dog is a little feller, so I give him to you for fifty dollars, bein’ that he’s the last one and all. That’s half price, a real bargain.”

Carlos narrowed her eyes at the man, taking a slow, deep breath, and thinking; I really want to knock the shit out of him, but being pregnant and holding a puppy are big disadvantages, so I think I’ll pull a 'Bill' and just let it pass. Bill was into body building, and combined with his enormous size, was always being challenged by guys who wanted to prove their masculinity. He frequently told Carlos he was a lover, not a fighter. He liked to demonstrate that a lot, too. The thought made her smile. Then she remembered she was marooned at a flea market in Idaho and her anger boiled up all over again.

Frowning, she switched the puppy from her chest to the crook of her arm, nestling it between her stomach and her breast, and pulled her wallet out of her back pocket. Peeling off a fifty from her considerable wad she silently handed it to Burly Man.

Burly Man's expression brightened. “Why, thank you, missy. I’ll go and get his papers.” He ducked behind their sunshade and started rifling through a file box on the front seat of a battered pickup truck.

In a quiet voice Carlos asked the boy, "Marlin, is it?"

The boy nodded.

She squinted her eyes at him. "You look more like a goldfish. How old are you?"

"Eighteen," he answered just as quietly, giving her a guarded look.

Carlos, still holding her wallet, pulled another fifty out along with a business card and handed them to Marlin. “Hide this. Save it. When you get sick of your old man's crap, come to Salt Lake and I’ll give you a job.” The teen tucked the card and money in the front pocket of his jeans just as Burly Man returned, papers in hand.

“Here you are, girley. You just fill the rest of that out and send them in to the address along with a check and you’ll git yer registration information in the mail.” He nodded as he handed her the documents.

Carlos folded the papers into thirds and stuffed them into her back pocket as she walked away, muttering, “Asshole,” under her breath. She decided since she was still close to the exit she would check the parking lot again and see if her tribe had returned. That they would she never doubted. She knew it was only a matter of time.

How To Win Friends and Influence Readers

One of the things I love best about being a published author is reviews. No, seriously, I gather a great deal of insight about my writing by looking at it through someone else's point of view. And I don't mean a critique, because that's something else entirely. That's what happens during the editing process, when stuff can still be changed before it's too late.

For example, I always thought I was writing a romantic comedy, of sorts. I knew there were tragic moments, but apparently, because Carlin "Carlos" Farley is inside my head and I know what she's thinking, I don't see the "dark parts" as all that dark. I suppose it's a "Can't see the forest for the trees" kind of thing. Truth be told, I'm so bad at writing a synopsis, I should have a reviewer do it for me. 

A reviewer, say, like my mom.

My mom wrote a fabulous review for my novel, The Carriage Trade. It was short, concise, and essentially laid it all out there. In fact, I liked her review so much that I used a very small portion of it on my website. 

"You'll meet a new kind of heroine in this funny, offbeat romance. I loved it and found the characters different and engaging. Carlos Farley is one of a kind. You may love her or hate her but you won't forget her." 

But you won't be finding my mom's review on my Lisa Deon Amazon page any more, because Amazon, in their infinite wisdom, had started yanking selected reviews from author's pages. This hurts an author. It brings down their rank and review status. Plus it makes it look like very few people read the book.

Part of the reason, or so I'm told, is because some writers have been playing dirty pool, writing their own fabulous reviews under assumed names. Also they are supposedly deleting reviews by authors for authors.

Now, why does that suck dead donkeys? Because besides being writers, a lot of authors are readers. So, apparently no writer should ever read or review anyone else's work. Now, I disagree with that, because if the only writer I get to read is me, my life would be very boring. Did they pull my mother's review because she's a writer? No, but we do share a very common last name, so that might have been the reason. Of course the fact that she was a verified purchaser apparently has no validity in the entire shebang. So, what's a girl to do?

I'm proud of every review written for my novel, even the lowest (3) star one. And I'm thrilled that a few of them have a disclaimer at the bottom stating that although the book was provided to the reader for free, the review was in no way influenced by that.

Being a writer is not the easiest of professions. You strip your soul naked, turn it into words, and leave it out there for people to inspect. But if you enjoy reading, my work, or any other writer, the best way to encourage and assist the author is to go to their page at the selling website of your choice, and simply click. Click the "Like" button, the meta tags, give it however many starts you deem it worthy of, and write something. "I liked it" or "It made me think about..." are reviews. You don't have to make your review of a novel a novel in and of itself.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Your comments are welcomed and encouraged. If you've read my book, your reviews are welcome and encouraged also.

Oh, and here is a photo of a toasty fire to warm your heart. 

...And Your Little Dog's, Too...

Charlie horse and I drove a wedding last week, one with a pickup in Memory Grove. As usual, I showed up early. I hate surprises, start tweaking if I'm late, and generally like to be in control of my surroundings, so I arrive with ample time on the clock to most of my appointments.

Such was the case up in the park. I waited outside the gates for a while, mostly because there was a plethora of free-range children running around, which I had no desire to engage with. I killed time, dinked around on my phone, scoped out the situation, and made sure the celebrants weren't going to whip out sparklers, firecrackers, or rocket launchers.

Nope, just your average bottles of wedding bubbles. Mildly annoying, totally harmless.

I parked there long enough for an older man on a bicycle to ride up and ask me if I needed him to open the gate for me.

"Nope, I have an opener," I replied.

"Oh, I know the code," he returned as he pedaled away up the trail.

That was nice. Sometimes I have to open the gate for folks, like a few weeks ago when I opened it for the confused UTA Flex (Para) Trans bus driver. He seemed to think that the random opening and closing was some type of windmill for him to tilt at using his bus. I opened the gate to allow him to pick up a passenger at Memorial House, and explained to him how to get the gate to re-open so he could eventually leave. I'd hate to think of him trapped up there, wheelchair bound customer strapped in the back, egging on the driver to try and summon the courage to charge the gates...

I've gone totally off piste here, sorry. So I decided to take Charlie for a little walk since we had time, up to the top of the grove where we do the turn around, then back down so when we parked we would be facing the correct direction to facilitate our newlywed's getaway. As we began our leisurely stroll, a little Jack Russel mix charged us. So I did what I always do; a tried and true method that works effectively and returns the result I'm aiming for.

I looked at the dog, pointed my finger at him, and loudly said, "NO!"

The dog, who up until that time had been making a beeline for Charlie's legs, swiftly executed a "U" turn and ran back to his owner.

I've used this repel method for more than eight years. It has never failed to stop a dog, and I have never had to use a whip on someone's beloved pet. Or its owner. And I've had much larger dogs than this motley creature think about attacking my co-worker.

 Because there are dogs at the barn, our horses are not afraid of dogs. However, they also don't tolerate any crap from dogs, either.

After the dog made his retreat, the owner yelled at me. That's not an unusual response. Typically it's "Sorry," or, "He's never done that before."

But this man yelled, "He has as much right to be in this park as that horse!"

WTF?

And then he said, "And something, mumble, something, {LEARN TO ARTICULATE AND PROJECT, PEOPLE!} abuse!" and he pantomimed like he was banging on a drum, but I think he was trying to mimic the motion of the lines (reins).

O-kay, buddy. Because you're an idiot, I'm going to ignore the abuse remark. Instead, let's take a moment to talk about your pooche's "rights":

Your dog has none.

YOU have the right to take your dog up into Memory Grove, and once you get past the *bridge, turn your canine good citizen, who does not menace, bite or otherwise harass any human, other dog, or, in Charlie's case, horse, off leash. Then it can roam under your direct supervision and pee on things to its heart's desire.

And if you feel that your dog's "rights" (of which he has none) have been violated by me telling him, "NO!", allow me to lead you down the inevitable dark conclusion of this chance meeting had I not instructed your dog to back off:

Your twenty-something pound ball of indignation and fury (the little-dog complex) would have found its way to Charlie's cannon bone, getting in one good nip, then all two-thousand pounds of Charlie, with no qualms whatsoever and without breaking a sweat, would have crushed your dog like a bug.

Compare their match to, say,  Hello-Kitty vs Godzilla.

And it would be within his "rights" to do it, as Salt Lake City has a leash law, which supersedes the location of an off the leash park. The onus is on you, the owner of the attacking animal. In other words, your dog started it, but my horse will finish it.

So go ahead and yell at me all you want about your aggressive dog's "right" to be off leash up in Memory Grove, sir. Next time, maybe I won't warn off your pet. Because it also happens that my horse has the "right" to defend himself against an attack. And after the inevitable squishy bloodbath, you will have the smug satisfaction of telling all of your PeTA loving friends all about how you invoked your rights.

You and your little dog's, too.

* The off leash boundaries, and rules pertaining to it, of Memory Grove Park are posted on a sign as you enter the property.  Of course no one ever reads the fine print. Except me.

Shifting Perspectives

 I spent last weekend at the Utah Romance Writers of America conference in Park City, Utah. It was, as usual, great fun and more relaxing for me because I was not in charge of anything this year. I also didn't pitch to any agents this year. In fact I pretty much hung out with my fellow writer roomies and goofed off, which is my standard operating procedure. I also participated in my first book signing, which while not all that fiscally productive (that's what you get tying to sell to members of my RWA chapter, many of whom already either have my book or have no interest in my book because I use a plethora of naughty words, because I am, in fact, naturally foul mouthed) was enlightening.

While many people expressed their affinity for my cover, I discovered that when they look at it, they are not seeing it.

Do you?

I do because I cannot "unsee" things, plus I was there during the creative process, and it's modeled after my tattoo which, if I could do a clean slate, I would change.

So while I was sitting around, a fellow chapter member came up and admired my coffee cup, which has a picture of my cover on it. So I picked it up and said, "And it looks as good in your cabinet as it does on the table." Then I turned it upside down, and the person looked at it again, and said, "I never noticed that!"

Do you?

Maybe because... I don't know, like I said, I cannot "unsee" it. Plus, when I got my tattoo I had the white (okay, flesh) colored horse put on top, and when people looked at my tat they would s-l-o-w-l-y- rotate their head so they were looking at it upside down. Finally, when they were in a totally awkward position, I would mention the fact that is it a ying-yang symbol, but with horses.  The they would "Ooh" and "Aww".

Bill

Carlin

Above are the images used as scene breaks, and it all depends on whose point of view the following scene is in as to the image utilized for the break. And that was done mostly for me, so I knew the owner of the POV and could check for violations while editing. Because I get confused. A lot.

Anyway, that's all the news that fits, with the exception of this: The eBook of The Carriage Trade is on sale at both Smashwords and Amazon this week for $3.99 which is a savings of $2.00. So, don't say I never gave you anything.