Why we don't call it the Lapdance Film Festival

My regular duties as Carriage Driver are finished now for the season, although if you want to take a ride go on down to South Gate and hook one with the fools hearty individuals willing to work the cruel month of January. I'll be inside the cozy and inviting Rose Wagner Theater, working the Sundance Film festival. That’s my excuse, and I'm sticking with it. It has, after all, worked for 4 years now…

Getting ready for Sundance takes a lot of preparation:

First, I have to warm up.

Second, I need to catch up on all the sleep I missed out on while carriage driving. Luckily for me I will be on approximately the same schedule I'm on when driving; go into work around 4:00 pm, go home sometime after midnight, so no change there.

Also, I won't have to wear quite so many layers, although I still put on the under-roos because it is, after all, January in Utah. Kenneth Cole, the fashionista that provides the Sundance Volunteers with their coats and liners (which are our "official" uniform) has apparently never lived anywhere other than the Equator because, while stylish, his garments are not precisely warm.

Then there is my hair. I have not had my hair cut in about three years. Why? Because I don't like getting into conversations with stylists, that’s why. If I could find a deaf/mute stylist I'd go every month. Okay, it is me we're talking about, and I am both lazy and cheap, so every six to eight months. But since my hair gets bleached out in the summer from my pool, is cursed with split ends, liberally sprinkled ( okay, doused is more like it) with grey, and is all around fugly, I need to so "something" to it prior to the festival so I can hobnob with 1) folks much younger than me and 2) Hollywood types and 3)New York City people all without being sneered at like I've just crawled out of the Van that I live in down by the river.

What the hell, you are asking right about now, does my #$@$%^#$ hair have to do with the title of today's blog?

Okay, here is how it all ties in: the last few years my job for Sundance was OUT Asst. MGR. This job involves me being in charge of the wait list line, which is an exterior (yes, outdoors) position. Except last year the line was moved indoors. Which was nice. Because it's warm. Anyway, I had several people vying for the last seat in the house, and since we only had one seat available, and there were two of them I could not accommodate their request. Because they were together; would not go without the other one, and refused to entertain my suggestion of either a duel to the death or at least an arm wrestling match.

Their suggestion was that I allow them both in and the man would sit in the seat and the woman would sit in his lap. That was when I advised them that this was the Sundance Film Festival, not the Lapdance Film Festival which takes place at the adult theater in Wendover, Nevada.

That was my old job. I got to do stuff like that. It was a lot like being a verbal hit man. One of the titles was "Crowd Liaison" which is polite-speak for "Bouncer."

Now, however, my job is IN Asst. MGR, which means I have to be NICE. Why? Because I'm the person the customers will come and complain to after visiting with the new OUT Asst. MGR.

Grrrrrrrr.

So this is going to be an interesting test for me, seeing if I can switch gears and be nice. And if I can't fake a smile very well, at least my hair will look good.