Monday, April 6, 2009

STAN! The Musical!

(On 4/22/09 this entry was edited to add:
For you newbies, "Stan" is the name I've given to the Sarcoid Tumor that has taken up residence on my horse Dreamer's leg. I gave it a name because it was either name it or give it a ZIP code.)

To fully appreciate this post you need to understand a few things:

1) I have a LOT of free time
2) I am known to make up parodies of songs because I'm weird
3) I'm weird
4) You should have already figured that out by now
5) I love music and have a propensity to remember and sing the lyrics to popular song for years yet I'll forget your name within 30 seconds of being introduced to you.

So it's no surprise that today while re-potting some Fuchsia plants I got over the weekend and expect to kill in just a few days, I was pondering the Stan problem and humming a tune.

This is what you get when I combine them:

"Stan", sung to the tune of "Ben", by Michael Jackson, theme song from the movie "Willard"

"Stan, both Buzz and I should look some more,
We've not found the cure we're searching for,
With a Vet to call my own, I don't fight you alone,
The tumor that you be, dried up and dead to me,
(Dried up and dead to me)

Okay, maybe not. How about something a little more upbeat:

"Hello Stanley", sung to the tune of "Hello Dolly" by Jerry Herman

Hello Stanley, gotta go, Stanley,
It's so nice to send you back where you belong,
You look like hell, Stanley.
I can tell, Stanley,
We keep sprayin', you keep stayin', you keep getting red
But not for long, Stanley,
Must be gone, Stanley,
Just like the skin appeared here way back when, friend…

Nope, that’s too peppy. Maybe something a little more dramatic.

Xxterra Rhapsody, sung to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody", By Queen

Mama, I'm killing Stan,
Put the ointment on his head,
used Xxterra, wished him dead,
Mama, Stan just can't be killed,
I took that cash and threw it all away…

Mama, ooooooooh,
Didn't mean to waste my time,
When I come to the barn again tomorrow,
I'll smear Stan, I'll smear Stan,
Cuz the money doesn't matter…

Too late, Stan's time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine,
checkbooks empty all the time,
Goodbye sarcoid tumor, you've got to go,
Gotta leave my horses leg and go away.
Mama, oooooooooh
Stanley just won't die
I wish that he had never showed up at all…

I'm just a sarcoid, nobody wants me
(He's just a sarcoid from the wart family
Spare my poor horse from this monstrosity)
Easy come, just won't go,
Tell me why Stan won't go…

Okay, maybe that's too operatic.
How about something a little more sublime:

Sarcoid Love sung to the tune of "Muskrat Love" by America

"Sarcoid tumor, named him Stan,
Grows on Dreamers leg out in stable-land,
And you're yucky, Dreamer's not lucky,
Sarcoid tumor, warty Stan,
Gonna kill you off with my own two hands ,
And you're smelly, oozing like jelly,
And we spray, and we smear and we slice you
Ginsu off pieces and dice you,
Wrap you in a layer of goo,
Oh Stan, we'll kill you, oooooooooooooh"

I can see "Stan Karaoke Night" being a popular pastime at Casa Slave Driver. I'm sure I can come up with a suitable tune. Maybe something by Nirvava…


Anonymous said...

I love the Bohemian Rhapsody one!!

Pony Girl said...

I loved that you named the sarcoid! That cracked me up. I have updates and photos from today... interesting development! I will post it tomorrow. I will say the Xxterra appears to be working. Freaky stuff, eh?

Suzanne said...

Beautiful. Moving.


Belle's personal assistant said...

I have to agree with Stacey-- Queen wins!

Sagebrusheq said...

Sarcoids can nasty critters with minds of their own. One of my mares had a small one on her neck that seemed to be spreading a bit and Buzz advised, as a first course of treatment, to leave it alone, not piss it off, and hope it goes away. It didn't interfere with tack or harness so that was what we did and it disappeared after a few months. Just lucky.

Regarding yesterdays edition:

Oh my heck, I know too many good Mormons not to say something in their defense. In general I found them to be among the most generous, hard working, and honest people I've known. Of course, exceptions that are at odds with this appraisal abound. As one LDS friend told me, 'We are a queer people'. But for over 20 years I was very happy living as a gentile in Zion and I was never ostracized, stigmatized, nor proselytized to, except for by pretty young things from Jehovah's Witness. And speaking of proselytizing, is there a better exemplar of stout heart, and determination against impossible odds, than the hapless LDS missionary who, due to modest means, is given Salt Lake for his field of battle? For there is indeed a pronounced prejudice in Utah, but it is against the LDS church not the other way around, as is often portrayed.

I'm told that small towns are more clannish than the metro area but that is a characteristic of small towns that is not unique to Mormon communities. As for Salt Lake, this is the same supposedly hierarchal, male dominated, conservative theocracy that placed a Catholic, female, Democrat, in the mayor's chair from '92 to 2000.

The kind of miserable zealots pictured above wouldn't be happy with life on any terms, and if they couldn't find an external target to aim at, they'd turn their sights on each other. The Church is not without fault but all the criticisms that might justly be leveled in that direction, hypocrisy, avarice, exclusivity, etc, are of the sort that would find a mark in any institution of man's design. And there are many good things that come from the LDS church. One of the things I miss the most about living in Utah is the ambience of fellowship, which I attribute to the Mormon church's influence on the overall community. An all volunteer clergy, the relief society, an involved electorate, good schools, an emphasis on self reliance and a healthy suspicion of Leviathan, are all positive outgrowths of Mormon culture. And I sure wish I didn't have to drive 800 miles to get to the nearest DI: all the thrift stores I've found near Coeur d' Alene are rag piles by comparison.

Whew. That said, I'm a hopeless sinner. And if I were to convert to a specific religion it wouldn't be to Mormonism, though it would be a close second. Based not so much on scripture as on the empirical evidence of longevity and abundant musical talent I am convinced that the Jews are God's chosen people. So that would be my first choice. And, touching on what seems to be a recurring theme at Driver's blog, cuisine would weigh heavily in that decision.

Shalom, and Holiness to the Lord, S.

Lisa Deon said...

Stace & BPA> Bohemian Rhapsody was the first one I came up with. I had to switch to another song because it got stuck in my head, making it an earworm.

SagebrushEQ> I have no problem with LDS or any other religion- and being that I was raised in a Jewish neighborhood (95% Jewish- we got all the high holidays off of school) I have to agree with you- Jews really know how to throw a party. And you've gotta love the people who came up with Bagels and cream cheese.

On the cuisine note: I fell into the food service industry, but being raised in one of the best and most diverse cities in the world I can not only discuss, at legnth food but specific meals I've had. So I guess it's not a surprise that food figures greatly into my blogs.

Anonymous said...

How many warts have their own karaoke night? I love the song parodies, too. My favorite part of Marine Corps boot camp was when we put on a show. That was great. 90 women who had to sing my lyrics. POWER! Hope Stan disappears. Maybe you should have named it Hamlet's Father or Houdini. Both of those are hard to rhyme, though.

DOMESSEI--are you kidding me? An untidy house, or the persons who reside therein.


Anonymous said...

You're personality is very contrived. Try to relax.

Lisa Deon said...


Sorry to disapoint you, but that's what I'm really like.