Thursday, June 11, 2009

When Honesty Is The Best Policy

There is a rumor going around the valley that at one time the sky held a big burning ball. I don't believe it. I think it's an urban legend. So far we have had rain every stinking day for the last two weeks. And not just a soft little gentle rain. It's the torrential street flooding, plant damaging, when it hits you it #%*&!!! HURTS kind of rain.

Tuesday I worked and the trainee I had the night before called off "sick". Now, I'm the first person to tell a new recruit that this job is not for everyone. It's the kind of job you either love right away, or not. Really, people, if you don't like the job that's okay. But let's be honest; don't call in pansy ass "sick", call in quit. Be firm.

We have had people training with us, standing at South Gate, and ask to use the john. They go to the john and never return, opting to hoof it all the way back to the barn and go home. And you know, if in the middle of your second hour you decide that this isn't the job for you, I'd be so much happier if you would say, "This is not the glamorous and exciting career I anticipated. I think I'll call it a day." Because then I won't have to waste my time going over policy, procedure, and the ride prices. Instead the trainee disappears into the Bermuda Triangle of restrooms, never to be heard from again. After about 30 minutes of "john time" we figure they've bagged it, but still. Just tell me you quit. What do you think I'm going to do, take away your birthday?

Of course we're going to mock you, but since you'll be gone, what do you care? We're going to mock you even if you stick around. That's the way we roll.

I feel the same about the potential customers. We stand there and ask as they pass by, "Would you like to go for a carriage ride tonight?" Time and time again they struggle to come up with a plausible excuse as to why they can't possibly go on a carriage ride.

"We're going to dinner."

"We're going to a movie."

"I'm allergic to horses."

"We left the children home alone and the house is on fire."

Oh, wait, no, that's Ladybugs. Ignore that last one.

But one of the very few responses we actually get is, "No." Really people, it's a question which only requires a yes or no answer. And we're okay with you simply saying, "No." Besides, as soon as you say "no" I'm going to forget about you and move on to the next fresh meat potential customer anyway.

Unless, of course, you're dressed in a manner that requires conversation related to

1) Your eyesight and/or color blindness

2) Your lack of ability to differentiate between strips, polka dots, neon colors, fringe/feathers and their relationship with one another in an ensemble

3) The fact that the purse your boyfriend is carrying for you doesn't match his shoes


4) The distinct possibility you've just graduated "Clown College" and are currently job hunting.

Some people, as they pass, don't respond at all. They suddenly find that there is mysterious invisible writing on the wall the surrounds Temple Square and become engrossed in "reading" it. At first they are looking ahead of them and when we speak you can almost hear the tendons in their neck snap as they woosh! Quicker than you can say "Linda Blair," swivel their neck and inspect the wall. Their pace quickens, arms swinging to help the momentum, and once they've run the gauntlet everything returns to normal.

Something must be written on the wall, we just can't figure out what...

So, to borrow a line from the Regan era, "Just say no!" I mean, that is, if you don't want to take a ride. If you DO want to take a ride don't say no. That would just be silly.

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