Monday, July 20, 2009

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow. I'm pretty stoked except for a few minor details. For one thing, I don't like to fly. Quote me all the safety statistics you want, I'm just not comfortable with it. Remember, in my line of work I go four miles an hour and am a max of five feet off the ground, so bailing out doesn't require a parachute, just a "Jump, tuck and roll." Plus, I've watched A&E's "Airline" enough to know that they aren’t too keen about you boarding a plane drunk, which is how I like to fly. I depart at 7:00 am, and I seriously doubt they will have a "Breakfast Happy Hour Beverage Service," although being that I am flying into Chicago, anything is possible…

It's not the actual flying I mind, it's the relinquishing of control. I don't know these people who are the pilots, and the FAA & NTSB frown upon you knocking on the cockpit door and grilling the flight crew about their qualifications and experience. Ask anyone who's driven me around in their car, I use that imaginary break on the passenger side a lot. Mr. Slave Driver believes I will soon wear a hole in the carpet in his truck. As it stands right now it's looking suspiciously thin on that side.

So that's one thing, another is my dogs. I avoid kenneling them if I can, and for several days they will be alone. The neighbor kid is taking care of them for me, but Cowboy, the Border Collie, is old; deaf, grumpy, cataract old. To get his attention one has to either stomp on the floor until the vibration alerts him, touch him and if he's sleeping he JUMPS! or gesture wildly with the appearance of a seizure. Then you have to use a form of sign language to get him to comprehend what you want, which is mostly for him to go outside because his gas passing has reached critical mass.

Upon my arrival in the Chicagoland area, I will be renting a car. My friends and family are spread far and wide, and I haven't actually lived there since 1995, so getting around will be a challenge for a person like me who navigates via landmarks. I'm sure a couple of things have changed in the interval, so I've spent the last two days downloading addresses into Mr. SD's TomTom so I can find my way.

Lastly, while many of my friends live in the 21st century, some of them still engage in a quasi Amish lifestyle, meaning they don't have wifi. What that translates to you is I may or may not be able to blog from the road. I will, however, be taking lots of photos and accumulating many stories in the mean time. Blogging them will all depend on what my various hosts have for internet connections, which can run the gambit from DSL/Cable to 2 tin cans and a tight string. So if you don't hear from me for a while, that's probably the reason. Or, something's gone terribly awry.

So, in the words of Homer Simpson, "If I don't come back, avenge my death."

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Flying? I married a pilot and have put myself through some very weird stuff in the name of travel/adventure. Being up in the sky in a tin can is peachy--sitting still for two or three hours at a time is TORTURE. Load your iPod with Ommm or comedy albums and spring for a bit of wine. White, so it won't stain.

Hope you have a great time, collect pix & stories for killer blog posts & come back to healthy pups that are sooo glad to see you.

FLOTINE--type of lottery in which the last boat afloat wins.

Slave Driver said...

Thanks, Dusty. I'll be taking my laptop, a bunch of movies, and my iPod touch.

The issue previous to today was Kid & I were in different rows. Usually I have Mr. SD's hand to hold while taking off and landing, and The Kid has bravely volunteered (Brave, I say, because as a carriage driver I have very powerful hands...crack open walnuts hands, so sometimes Mr. SD feels a bit...crippled after a flight) but this am when I pre-checked in I was able to get us seats together. So, we will watch movies and keep ourselves occupied for 3.5 hours. The worst part for me will be sitting in that seat because it tends to aggrevate my hip which pains me on occasion.