On the Virtual Road

I have just returned from ten days on the actual road, driving from Utah through Colorado and Kansas, across Oklahoma to Fort Sill where we watched The Kid graduate from basic combat training. Then after a night of being lulled to sleep by artillery fire, we sped off to San Antonio for a day of sightseeing and general goofing around. On Sunday we dropped PFC The Kid at Fort Sam Houston for  105 days of Army individualized training. Our return route included Roswell, New Mexico and a dump of an RV "resort" that was akin to camping in some dudes back yard. All in all it was a    r e a l l y   l o n g trip.

Which brings me to my next "trip". It's a virtual book tour, so in reality I won't have to pack anything or even step outside my front door. This is good news, because, quite frankly, I'm sick of travelling. I have  been to the bathroom of the devil, and I don't want to see it again any time soon. So I can sit back and relax and let my WiFi do the walking, so to speak. And you can join me, no passport necessary. 

Here is the schedule and the links:

September 2, Meet and Greet at the Virtual Book Tour Cafe blog

September 4, Guest blogging at Wise Words 

September 6, Interview at MK McClintock's Blog

September 11, Interviewed at The Bunny's Review

September 13, Review and Guest Blogging at A Book Lover's Library

September 17, Review at Books, Books and More Books

September 19, Interview at Romance That's Out Of This World

September 21, Review and Interview at Black Hippie Chick's Take On Books & The World

September 21, Review and Interview at Little Book Star

September 25, Review and Guest Blogging at Jersey Girl Book Reviews

September 27, Interview at Mass Musings

September 29, Review and Interview at Infinite House Of Books

So pull up a chair and a big glass of wine and join me from the comfort of your couch. Leave comments, read reviews, and make sure to register to win a free copy of The Carriage Trade. And if the restroom's dirty, it's nobody's fault but your own. 

Operation eBook Drop

My kid is a soldier. (She's the one up front, photobombing this picture of the group.) Okay, my kid is in training to be a soldier. And while she is in basic training right now, she will soon graduate to AIT school, and will be allowed a few privileges, like books. But like many people today, her books will be contained on a reading device, such as a Kindle, or iPad. Because I love to read, and I know that our members of the military can get seriously bored away from home, I have joined what I feel is a very worthy  organization.


Operation eBook Drop


This group of authors offers their eBook  titles for free to deployed members of the coalition armed forces. I joined because I come from a long line of members of the armed services, and it's my small way of thanking those who currently serve. 


So if you are a member of the military who is deployed, go sign up. There are over 1360 authors giving their books away for free. And if you are an author with eFormat titles, consider joining.

There she is again, over on the right. I was happy she picture-hogged it, because in all of the pictures posted on the Facebook page, all the skinny little white girls with light brown/blond hair look the same! They all have their hair in a bun and appear to be swamped in their uniforms. It's like *Thanksgiving, all over again.

*During The Kids's Kindergarten Thanksgiving program, Mr. Slave Driver and I dutifully videotaped a little girl for a full 10 minutes before we realized that the child we had been recording was not, in fact, ours. We felt horrible and chastised ourselves for being bad parents. We have since relaxed our parenting standards, and feel that if we show up with a camera more complex than our cell phones, it deserves a check mark in the parenting skills "win" column. 

Fifty Shades of Hay

I know I haven't written much carriage driving stuff lately, but that's because (just in case you haven't figure it out yet...) I published my book. However, I still drive. In fact, currently I work four days a week. So here's a little taste of what's been happening:

The Peregrine Falcons returned again and hatched out three babies. One of them (Macy) died after colliding with a building, but the other two survived. Boxer (Boxer Sue originally, but now there is a question about the gender, so just "Boxer" for  now)  is happily soaring around Salt Lake City, munching on other birds, occasionally squawking for its parents. Primo, the other surviving fledgling, suffered some injuries after his own bird vs building incident. He has been turned over to a raptor rehabilitator for therapy. Thus, the small but always interesting group of volunteer falcon watchers once again have, like the falcon family, gone their separate ways. Last week on my way out to South Gate I noticed the volunteer's faithful leader, Bob, walking down North Temple. I told him to get in the carriage, and I gave him a ride for three blocks, dropping him 200 yards from Falcon Central. Bob looked tired, because during Fledge Month, he gets little to no sleep. So It was my pleasure to give him a slight respite from the usual harried running around he does. Later Bob informed that that he was able to strike "take a carriage ride" off of his bucket list. Although I don't think it counts, because it was more like a taxi ride than a carriage ride.

We have some competition now downtown. Well, sort of. At first glance it looks like some weird but colorful torture exercise machine designed by a maniacal Richard Simmons. In reality it's a 6 passenger bike. I looked at their website, which has broken links and little information,  and although their YouTube video has a packed bike with furiously pedaling passengers all wearing bike helmets and smiling like lobotomy recipients, in reality that almost never happens. Oh, yeah, the furious pedaling happens, just not the helmets. And I have to wonder if they have a business license and insurance. Especially insurance. Because, with the exception of a string of green Christmas lights, it's pretty bare bones when it comes to visibility.

People always ask 1) if the horse is real or 2) if it's a Clydesdale. For this photo, the answer to one of these questions is yes.

And finally, we've started using bike locks to secure things like our water buckets and customer's strollers. Occasionally it looks like an eclectic parking lot. And, even thought nothing has ever been taken from our hack line, we now have 100% zero items stolen. I know; although that makes no sense what so ever and is kind of redundant, it's reassuring in a  false sense of security way that you didn't know you needed before sort of way.

Don't ask. It's like a story math question.

Defending Your Turf

I noticed something the other day. You know the $5 DVD bins at Wal-Mart? You know what you will never find there? Disney movies. Pixar movies. You want to know why? The same reason you never find iPods, iPads, or Kindles on sale as a price leader. Because once you allow your product to be cheapened, you will eventually find it in the $5 bin. Yes, I know, it's a form of price fixing, in fact, it's practically the definition of it. However, it also means that the value of an item will be relatively stable.

It's similar to when we sell carriage rides. There are some drivers who will take any amount of cash someone waves in their face. I, personally, don't leave South Gate for less than $25. And I really don't like to blue light special myself by going under the $40 basic 30 minute ride. When someone shows up still sporting their $15 sign for the "Mall Special" (a ride around the block that takes about 10 minutes) it makes me crazy. It's comparable to having your neighbor short sale their house for no reason at all, sucking down the price of real estate in the entire neighborhood.

I am not Monty Hall, and you are not dressed like a kumquat. This is not "Let's Make a Deal." Nor is it the straw market in Nassau. I am not an independent carriage operator; I work for a company that sets the standards and prices for the work I do. There was a girl a few weeks ago who whispered, "Let me do the negotiating," to her friends and then proceeded to later call me a bitch when I refused to take them on a half hour ride for $20. Sister, I don't do anything for $20. Partially it's because I'm lazy, but I also have standards.

Which is why, when so many of my writer friends are selling their work for rock bottom prices, or posting entire books for free, I have priced my 384 page behemoth at $5.99. I worked on it for five years. At Amazon's 30% / 70%  split (which, ironically, is what I get for carriage sales commission) I make $4.12 on the sale of each Kindle download. I make much less on the paperback, and Smashwords has only sold one copy of a format other than Kindle. But that could be because there are issues with the downloads. Which I'm working on. So that should be fixed soon.

But what I will be doing, hopefully by next week, is giving away downloads of my novel to soldiers. It's a program called "Operation eBook Drop" and provides free eBook downloads to any deployed Coalition Armed forces member requesting a free coupon code. You have to go through the program (so please don;t email me asking for a free book) but if it keeps a soldier entertained while away serving our country, then it's worth it.

See? I can be convinced to give away something for free. Because the dollar to value ratio is off the chart here, and I'm the one getting the most out of it.

Please note: If you are a soldier signed up with this program I will be sending out the email with the coupon code next week. Thank you for your service.

And anyone can read the first three chapters for free at Wattpad. Because I'm not opposed to trying something on first before you buy...

Four for the Fourth

Usually, on Independence Day, the folks at Casa Del Slave Driver go to a local PRA sanctioned  rodeo, eat overpriced goodies, watch fireworks, and then return home. But being that this year 1) the holiday is in the middle of the week, 2) The Kid is away at Army basic training, and 3) the holiday is in the middle of the week, we decided to stay home and flop around in front of the TV.

You know, something we almost never do.

Except we did pretty much all of it outside. You see, over time we've collected a number of electronics. Occasionally they break down. Sometimes, we drag them over to a repair shop and get them fixed. Such is the case with a 27 inch Daewoo television we've had since 1999. And mostly we took it to get fixed because we were having people in from out of town and needed the space. Now, I don't mind stepping around a big ass TV in the middle of the kitchen floor, but others are not to used to our, um, unique lifestyle. And by unique I mean lazy. And cluttered.

We also have several DVD players that, for one reason or another, do not operate properly. I keep them for a number of reasons, the main one being that I always hope they will perform a miracle I call, "Spontaneous Self Healing", and there by relieve me of having to either throw it out or get it fixed.  One such broken item has a surround sound do-hickey, while the other DVD player will decided, for no particular reason, not to play a randomly selected DVD. Maybe it's tired, or unhappy with our choices in film, I don't know. But at some point, after viewing several movies, it will, upon insertion of another, simply not acknowledge the presence of the disc. Just up and quits.

The Daewoo TV is, by electronic standards, ancient. It was manufactured in a cave out of bones and rocks. It has inputs, but no outputs. And the speakers are seriously weak. And that's being nice.

I guess I need to explain the purpose of all of this nonsense: Occasionally we do an activity outside we call "Teeny-tiny Drive-in". In the past we have hooked up a laptop to computer speakers, gather around the screen and watch a movie under the stars. Being that we got the ginormous Daewoo finally fixed, and really have no earthly place in the house to put it, short of the hallway where we rarely stand around and watch television, we decided to put it on a cart we use to haul crap out onto the patio where we spend a lot of time in the summer, working up a good case of skin cancer.

So out comes the Daewoo. I hooked up the Digix DVD player which has surround sound but no longer plays DVDs. Then I had to hook up an Entivo DVD player to the Digix DVD player because that one actually plays DVDs, on occasion, when it feels like it. Then I somehow, through trial and error and dumb luck, managed to get the entire thing to work. And by "work" I mean play the DVD and have sound loud enough that we can hear the actors over the helicopters, fireworks, barking dogs and the little neighbor girl who enjoys belting out Justin Bieber at a volume previously only achieved by the faux band, Spinal Tap.

I know what you're thinking right about now... "Slave Driver, what in the Sam Hill does any of this have to do with your "Four for the Forth" title?"

I'm getting to that.

"The Four" are the four movies we watched, and the "Fourth" part was their theme.

The Patriot
Independence Day
Captain America
and Jaws

Now, I know that right about now you;re singing that Sesame Street tune about how "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong..."

But really, it does. The time frame of the movie Jaws is the Fourth of July holiday weekend.

I hope your holiday was a good one, and thanks to all of the members of the armed forces that help us keep our liberties and freedoms which allows us to watch movies like Jaws and write drivel like my blog.

Musick has Charms to Sooth a Savage Breast

I write to music. In fact, I create to music. In my head. Often times while I'm driving, which is a little inconvenient because I have yet to master simultaneous driving and writing. But that's just me. Apparently a lot of people think they've perfected it because I see a plethora of folks driving and texting. I do not drive and text, because some day a driver/texter will run into my carriage and kill me. Then all the RARAs will rejoice because another evil slave driver has been taken out of Satan's HR pool.


But I digress... I write to music because the music sets the pace for the scene I'm creating. It brings the emotion to the surface, and helps with the beats. Music also helps me recreate a specific scene in my head, like my very own movie of my novel.


So with the publication of my novel, The Carriage Trade, here is a list for the soundtrack to the book. Some of the titles will be familiar, but I have rather eclectic taste in music so a few will be a bit more obscure. And not every chapter has music.


Chapter/Song Title/Artist
Prologue/New Slang/The Shins
Ch1/Lust for Life/Iggy Pop
Ch3/Coconut/Harry Nilsson
Ch4/Tangled up in Blue/Bob Dylan
Ch7/The Celibate Life/The Shins
Ch8/Dragostea Din Tei/O-ZONE
Ch12/Waterfall/Jim Brickman
Ch14/Pretty Fly for a White Guy/The Offspring
Ch15/Tempted/Squeeze
Ch17/Patricia/Pérez Prado
Ch18/Change Your Mind/The All-American Rejects
Ch19/Crazy/Gnarles Barkley
Ch20/Carla Etude/Elton John
Ch21/I'm Too Sexy for my Shirt/Right Said Fred
Ch22/Isn't it Time/The Babys
Ch23/Harder to Breath/Maroon 5
Ch24/Turn On Me/The Shins
Ch25/I'm No Angel/The Greg Allman Band
Ch26/Silver Lining/Bonnie Raitt
Ch27/Because the Night/Patti Smith
Ch29/I will Follow You into the Dark/Death Cab for Cutie
Ch30/Mad World/Gary Jules
Ch31/Thunder/Boys Like Girls
Ch34/Your Guardian Angel/The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Ch35/Some Days are Diamonds, Some Days are Stone/John Denver
End/Best Days/Graham Colton


And for the bonus material,


The Re-Education of the One Trick Pony/Ch1/The Past and Pending/The Shins


Not all the songs start when the chapter begins. But they all pull me back into the scene they represent. I hope you enjoy the soundtrack. 


In case you cannot tell, I really, really love The Shins. And I owe much of the music I use to The Kid, who keeps my musical taste up to date by regularly blasting Indie artists at me. Which is why I know that Vampire Weekend is not a scene from an Anne Rice book. 

The Show's Over. The Party is Starting Now...

After five years my novel, The Carriage Trade, is finally available for purchase.

I started writing it in the spring of 2007 because I had a story in my head and if I didn't get it out of there I would end up in an asylum. Not that I don't belong in one anyway, it's just the packing and moving and all those change of address cards are so much work. And it's no secret how lazy I am.

Anyway, it's done. Except for a glitch in the page numbering  (I can't tell you how many times I re-numbered those suckers) the trade paperback is now available for purchase through Createspace and the Kindle edition is available through Amazon. My short, Splitting the Difference is still free until Monay, June 18, so get that while you can.

Next week I'm going to post about the music I use when I write. It's an important tool I utilize, but today I have to go to work, driving a horse around in circles.

Free Stuff

As a pre-launch sampler, I'm giving away my contemporary short story, Spitting the Difference,  in Kindle format on Amazon. If you do not own a Kindle, you can download a free Kindle reading app for PC, MAC, iPhone, iPad or Android. So, really, you have no excuse not to go and pick it up for free. It's twelve pages. You can read it on your lunch hour. Or while waiting for that lobotomy you've been wanting to get.

Yes, yes, I know, I'm very generous, but  hey, it's .99 cents you can spend on something to nosh on while you're enjoying the story.

So I have the Kindle file uploaded to Kindle and am waiting on their "approval", and I have the Create Space file over there waiting on their approval also. I'm still wrestling with the Smashwords file, because in trying to format to their specifications I had to take out all of the words in italics.

I've discovered I use a LOT of italics. I also use a lot of ellipses... but since the main character has brain damage her thoughts often trail off... you know how it is...

The actual publication day for The Carriage Trade is tomorrow, Friday June 15. So watch for it on Amazon, Create Space and Smashwords (eventually).  Have a great day, and go get the free short story.

Wrestling With Pigs and MIRL

The pig I am currently wrestling with is, of course, my novel.

Oh, not the content. That's done. I think I've even gotten most of the typos, punctuation errors, grammar boogers and formatting issues within the document fixed, because that's how good I am I have some fabulous friends willing to read my book yet another time and point out all the stuff I have messed up. The "pig" part is uploading it to Create Space and then having the automatic review wizard inform me that, once again, it won't fit within the margins established by the template. Even though I have diligently (and I rarely do anything with any sort of diligence; usually the most you can hope for from me is a half-assed attempt at making something look like I meticulously followed the directions when in fact I've really been watching cartoons in my head the entire time) followed the formatting directions and used the template so it would all fit within the accepted parameters.

Nope. Just not doing it.

Part of the problem might be due to me adding stuff. Not to the story: I've cut close to 5000 words since I began the self publishing journey back in February. No, I've decided to add the first chapter of the sequel to the end as a teaser. So that added another eleven or so pages, which apparently makes a big difference, according to the Create Space Wizard. And quite frankly I'm getting a little tired of this wizard being all bossy and shit. I'm not a Druid, enrolled  at Hogworts, or a member of the Klan. I should not have to take orders from some snarky, know-it-all Wizard.

Anyway, I'll work it out. Maybe. I can sometimes manage to beat stuff into submission.

The MIRL part of today's title has to do with a stalker fellow Blogger. Most of the folks who have been stopping by my blog for years don't interact with me (I'm looking at you, Cambridge, Massachusetts). Once in a while some of  you people even post comments. Occasionally you people even use a name other than "Anonymous". "Dreaming"  is one of those people, and a few weeks ago Dreaming and Mr. Dreaming visited Utah. I, being the tour guide that I am, left suggestions of stuff they could do while in town. One of the things they decided to do was take a carriage ride around Temple Square with me and Charlie horse. We had a great time, and it was fun to Meet In Real Life. The only other Confessions Blog reader I've met in person has been Mackenzie, and she ended up coming to work for us. I don't think Dreaming is going to give up her awesome home and move to Utah, but she's welcome to visit any time. 

You should stop by her blog. She has a beautiful Aussie named Tucker she recently tortured by sending him to the groomer. I think he looks fabulous, but I know my dear departed Border collie, Cowboy, would have felt the same way if we ever did something as foofy as sending him to the groomer. Like formatting for Create Space, wrestling all that unruly hair into submission is not for the faint of heart.

Proof Positive

I received my proofs today. Proofs, also known as ARCs (Advanced Reader Copies) exist for the sole purpose of finding errors. So I have five books which will be marked up by people whose only job is to find mistakes. Like going out of your way to point out when someone f*cks up. So, in other words, a perfect job for me; except I wrote the book, so I've read the book so often that I don't actually see the words anymore. I have them printed on my heart. Anyway, what this means is my novel is one.step.closer to publication. And while I have driven around downtown and Salt Lake City in a carriage so may times that I know the feel of the street to the point that I avoid pot holes by habit, I have never been down the publication road before.

Hang on, dear reader. I'm predicting it will be an interesting ride.

We Interrupt Your Web Surfing To Bring You This Special Report...

Have you missed me? I've been off, playing with both real and imaginary people. And I do have something to show for it... The Kid graduates in two weeks. Two weeks after that she leaves for Army basic training and then off to AIT (Advanced Individual Training), and then four days after that is the release date for my novel, The Carriage Trade.

How do you get to a "Happily Ever After" when you can't remember where it began?

   Carlin "Carlos" Farley's life is an open book. Unfortunately, she can't remember most of it.   She's losing her barn manager, Bill, the guy who's been running her horse drawn carriage business while she's been in extended care recovering from  an accident. Bill has always been there for her, in fact they've grown up together, but now he wants to pursue the career he put on hold and Carlin's resigned to the idea that he's leaving her.

    Bill Fantazma is the kind of guy who always tries to do the right thing. But sometimes doing the right thing is not the right thing to do. He's been in charge of Carlin's care and the business he helped acquire for her, and has accepted the accident and her subsequent brain damage as a chance for a "do-over", since his previous actions to attract her affection were less than honorable.

    Richard Cooper appears the answer to their business problems. Knowledgeable about horses, willing to step in and take over the barn manager position, helpful and solicitous to Carlin, he's not put off by her sometimes bizarre and quirky behavior.

But when Richard sees an opportunity to move in and draw Carlin's affection, Bill realizes just what she means to him and must made a decision; come clean about their past and risk her anger, or step away and allow Richard to have a romantic relationship with the woman Bill has loved all of his life.

    It's a romance she can't remember and he can never forget.

I've been to a lot of workshops and classes and stuff that's supposed to make me a gooder better writer. Brighter, faster, sleeker, etc. Whatever. I still use too many words, but you knew that anyway, right? I had an offer from a small publishing company, but after reviewing several things (the re-writes, for example, and running the numbers, plus they didn't want the sequel...)  I've decided to go it alone. Plus I always knew what I wanted my cover to look like. Being that I am a bit spoiled, do not play well with others, and like to always get my way, it's probably for the best. Plus, if I fail miserably, I will have no one to blame but myself. And I can cure that by adding a little extra alcohol into my daily regimen, and POOF! No more blame.

My personal "branding", as the big kids like to call it, runs several directions. First, everything I write naturally has horses in it. That's just who I am. Second, my covers will be stark black and while with just a dash of color. Why? Because I designed them and I'm not all that good of an artist. Plus if people like the theme enough, I can offer the design on products for purchase. An example is the coffee cup I had made through Wal-Mart:

I love my coffee cup.

Anyway, The Carriage Trade is in the final preparations for  release, and I'm shooting for June 15. It will be available as a trade paperback (Kindle Select)  and eBook. After the first 90 days it will be available on all other eBook platforms via Smashwords. I will of course add the links and if anyone wants to do a blog interview I will be happy to oblige.

Visit my website, feel free to friend me on  https://www.facebook.com/LisaDeon  and I am also on Twitter under the same name.

Updates to follow as necessary. I now return you to your regularly scheduled internet surfing...

Rumors of My Demise...

Well, okay, they are greatly exaggerated. I am still this side of the dirt. I am still driving carriage and still writing, just, obviously, not my Slave Driver blog.

Over the past six months I've been a little busy, but mostly lazy. I've finaled in some writing contests, submitted my work to agents, had an offer for publication, got a new used dog, and generally been immersed in all kinds of stuff. I have not forgotten about you, but like the new bride who has gone over the proper amount of time where it's still proper to write thank you notes for the lovely wedding gifts, I too am feeling embarrassed at my lackadaisical blogging and am a little ashamed to meet your gaze.
Over the holidays I was featured in a TV promo, had face time on the news, as a group the drivers sparred with RARAs, but generally had beautiful weather to work in.
I also have less than three months left to spend time with The Kid before she graduates high school and leaves for boot camp and AIT school.
I will post more at a later date about the publication of my novel, such as when and where it will be available. Until then, thanks for dropping by. I will return...

Eventually.

Kiowa, our newest used dog.

It's Not You, It's Me…

I'm finding menopause difficult to—

Right now I'm in the middle of a number of things, plus—

deal with. First of all it seems I now —


My mom is all settled in her basement lair. She has two rooms and the run of—

lack the ability to focus on anything longer—


Is your refrigerator supposed to get hot on the sides? Because—

than a micro second. I mean, wandering into—


mine has been for the last two days and —

the kitchen then standing there openmouthed wondering what—

The Utah Romance Writers of America conference is next week, (October 7 & 8, The Canyons, Park City Utah) so as you can imagine—

it's been making sounds like it's—

the hell you came in there for in the first place is one thing. Going from room—

Damn, there's another hot flash. I wonder if I have any batteries in my flashlight? Oh, man, I need to write myself a note to get batteries.

grinding up sausage so either there is something —

to room doing it gets tedious. And when I'm not doing that, I'm flittering between—

The Kid joined the Army reserves. She looks great in her—

wrong with the insides or a small butcher moved into my fridge and is grinding up hamburger.

three different things like a 12 year old with ADHD at Scout-O-Rama, and not finishing anything. I'm —

how I am so completely swamped with crap to do that I even took off—

thinking of somehow turning a t-shirt into a dry erase board to I can write down—

What a beautiful day out! Let's go—

what the hell I was doing to stay on task. It's that or get a Post-It note pad implanted on my left forearm. Which might hurt.

I want candy! I want candy!

Family room, plus her own bathroom. And having her here —

Now I want wine.

uniform, although they had to special order her one; apparently—

the entire month of September and half of October. Part of it was because I finaled in a writing contest and I—

is great. She totally pitches in and smells better than a foster cat, which makes Mr. SD very happy.

ride bikes!

had to finish editing the work in progress just in case the judge, an agent—

they don't get teeny-tiny recruits unless they—

from New York, asked for a full or partial of the MS. But, she did not (she made no requests) which is okay—

Squirrel!

are made of green plastic.

because I will be pitching my second place win at our URWA conference.




So once again I apologize for my lack of posting. Blame it on menopause! I'm going to.

And now I will tell you a love story.

My most favorite co-worker is Cleatus. I've written a number of stories about him, and he is a main character in Splitting The Difference, the short I have on Amazon. Cleatus was working at the barn when I started, some seven years ago. And despite what the ARA's will tell you, Cleatus enjoyed working. How do I know? A while ago he was on the D/L because of an abscessed hoof. Ro would bring him into the barn to soak his foot and then let him roam around the property and eat the grass and weeds. Our horses occasionally double as the landscaping crew. Anyway, Cleatus has been off for about a month, and Ro had him in the barn. She walked outside to get the mail, leaving the two people size doors open. Now, Ro's office has a people door going into the barn on one side, and a people door doing to the outside on another . She went out through the people door to the mailbox, and Cleatus walked through the people door into the office from the barn, executed a ninty-degree swivel in a very small space, then continued to sashay out the front door. Ro, standing at the mail box, was astonished as Cleatus calmly walked by her, heading the direction of downtown. He even jerked his chin at her as if to say, "Hey, sista, what's up?" as he moseyed on past.

Apparently, fed up with not being allowed out on the street for so long, he was heading downtown on his own to see what was shaking.

And anyone who tells you horses are strict vegetarians never saw Cleatus steal a cheeseburger from the hand of a carriage driver who was trying to be polite and hide his food while attempting to sell a ride.

I often times explain that the job is 50/50 between the horse and driver, but with Cleatus, it's more like 70/30, with Cleatus being the 70. In other words, given thumbs and a command of the English language, he could do the job solo.

His favorite treat was Oreo cookies and he would come when I called him, and follow me around like a dog. A dog that's looking for more Oreos.

He passed away last week. I will never again be able to look at Oreos without thinking of my sweet boy Cleatus.

Often Boring, But Rarely Dull

FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)

"Is your job fun?"

"Do you need a special license to be a carriage driver?"

"Animal abuser! Why don't you get a real job?"

"Do you meet a lot of interesting people doing this?"

FRs (Frequent Replies)

"Is your job fun?"

Sometimes. The day Ro and I did this gig was fun.

But not always. For example, Tuesday night when it suddenly poured on us for twenty minutes straight, I would not describe it as fun. I would call it painful, awkward and moist. My customers, who were safely ensconced in a carriage with the top up during the downpour, called it fun. Of course they got to go home and change; I remained stuck working outside with a raging case of what we fondly call swamp ass.

"Do you need a special license to be a carriage driver?"

No. The requirements in Utah are as follows: you must be twenty-one and hold a valid Utah drivers license. We teach you everything else you need to know. However, I do believe you need a special license to drive this:

"Animal abuser! Why don't you get a real job?"


Here is a video of some horses who were running "free" in a pasture (out of the public eye, and under the control of only a few people)


One of our horses… no starvation or neglect here, plus hundreds of people see our horses Every. Single. Day.

"Do you meet a lot of interesting people doing this?"

I guess it all depends on your definition of interesting… This guy was hitch hiking around the country asking people what their American Dream was. He used to have a website, but it was shut down because he couldn't afford the hosting fees. I don't know why he hasn't gone with Blogger or another free blog site, but if you're on facebook, here is a link to his page.




This guy was not as interesting:

In fact we had to get Temple Square security to chase him away. But it does make for some lively conversation. And no one has a collection of photos from their work quite like I do.

Middle Of The Road

I got a call last week from the barn asking me to drive carriage in the Days of '47 Parade.

And now, a short break for some exposition, with a side of rant:

For those of you new to the Confessions of a Slave Driver blog, it would behoove you to understand that I hate, hate, HATE driving in parades. Why? Because they don't pay squat. Most of the time the best you can hope for is a mild case of heat stroke and all the candy that ends up by your feet after being pelted with it by miniature hooligans, AKA children. In the mean time I've gotten up at the crack of ass, driven eighteen miles at dawn to play hurry up and wait while the vehicles are readied/decorated. Then you rush over to the parade staging area where you stand around and wait until it's your turn to join the mêlée. After plodding for what seems like 200 miles at four miles an hour, if you're lucky, and two mph if you're not, you arrive at a massive cluster of disarray and pandemonium reminiscent of the Gladiatorial games in Rome only to have your occupants, who usually have no idea what they are supposed to do next, jump ship with little more than a "Have a happy day."

Yes, thank you and may your day be absolutely fantastic! As it is, I'm roasting, have to pee real bad, and I'm so hungry that the plump haunch of my horse's rear end is starting to make me salivate. So the 'happy' part so far is not materializing… right now I am just having a day.

In fact I dislike parades so much that the opening of my first novel, The Carriage Trade, begins with a frantic dash to a parade where the stress level goes from bad to DEFCON 5.

End Rant. Exposition continues:

Anyway, the Days of '47 Parade celebrates the arrival of the Mormon pioneers into the Salt Lake Valley on July 24, 1847. I am not Mormon, so none of the festivities really applies to me. I have a personal prohibition about working on drinking and/or firework holidays such as New Year Eve, Independence Day, and, in our family at least, Easter. This prohibition also applies to Pioneer Day. Why do I avoid working on those days? Because I'm usually drinking, and blowing off fireworks. But not this time; this time I was bullied into participating by co-workers MBA and Ro. Both of them had agreed to drive. So after MBA pulled the friend card, I was force to capitulate.

MBA driving Tony

I requested to drive Rex because I've driven him in parades before and he's solid as a rock. Plus co-worker Bobbie asked to join me on the box as she had never driven carriage in a parade before. So while Ro, driving Tom in front of us, and MBA, driving Tony behind us, had to serpentine the entire route, thus effectively walking twice as far as Rex did, we went straight down the middle of the road. Which probably looked boring, but at least we didn't come off as intoxicated with the swerving back and forth the whole way. Both Ro and MBA claimed to be a little queasy upon completion.

Ro driving Tom (you just cant see him)

At least the parade was uneventful for us.

For the Royalty Float, which was enveloped in smoke spewing from the motor compartment, not so much. But we went out to lunch at the Red Iguana* after, so it turned out to be a good day after all.

Except maybe for this horse who either cannot read or else is just a scofflaw when it comes to legal parking.

*The Red Iguana is a fabulous Mexican restaurant. Actually, there are two, RI1 and RI2. Red Iguana 1 was featured on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives so it's always packed. Red Iguana 2 is a "known only to the locals" annex around the corner from RI1. The food is outstanding.

Walking The Course

I have always loved horses, and history. Combining the two, I became a carriage driver. As a carriage driver, I give historical tours. Even when I'm not driving carriage, I give historical tours. Ask my family; I'm sure it annoys them.

So when I was informed by a co-worker that the Utah Heritage Foundation would be giving tours of the buildings at Exchange Place I jumped at the opportunity to go, even if it meant operating the rest of the day on only four hours of sleep.

I met my friend and fellow carriage driver, MBA, downtown and we proceeded to pester the guides with obscure questions throughout the tour. The buildings are beautiful, and while the architecture is mirrored in the twin buildings, they are fraternal rather than identical. I know this because the first question I asked, before the tour even began, was "Why is there a buffalo head on the Newhouse building but not on the Boston building?"

The answer was, "I have no idea."

Obviously we were off to a successful start. But after that the tour was wonderful, except for the part where MBA tried to get me to look down the stairwell from the 11th floor.

Side note: I do not like heights. I'm quite content to stay no higher than the 3rd floor at a hotel. Taking those glass elevators makes me clench my fists and stop breathing. The idea of going on that glass bottom walk way that goes out over the Grand Canyon…well, we're not even going to talk about the puckering that ignites. But MBA took a Zipline through a rainforest, because people convinced her it would be cool. I would have to be drunk to the point of unconsciousness to do that, and still I'd prefer hacking my way across land with a machete, fending off poop slinging monkeys and millipedes the size of my arm, to zooming across the sky wearing an epic-wedgie inducing thong on a cable engineered and installed by people with remedial education.

In other words, it squicks me out.

Anyway, back on topic; the tour was informative and now if I take people down Main Street as far as the 400 South block, I can talk about the Newhouse, Boston, and Exchange Club buildings with some degree of accuracy.

And while I cannot tell you why there is a buffalo head on the Newhouse building I can tell you why there are lion heads on both: it was a symbol of industry.

The Newhouse Building:

The beautiful marble stairs in the Newhouse building. Utah has no native marble, so this was imported from Georgia. The marble is only on the first level because Samuel Newhouse ran out of money. But at least the lobby looks nice!

The stairs in the Boston building were tile and terrazzo.

I'm okay with looking UP a stairwell, but declined when invited to take the same photo looking down.

The lion was a symbol for industry. Both buildings have this detail around the top.

The style of the buildings are the same but some of the decorative details differ.

The building has a mail chute that runs the height of the building. All the mail ends up in this post box at the bottom. I forgot to inquire if it is still in use.























The Exchange Club was like a men's club/gym for the employees of the stock and banking businesses.

The Birds, Without Bees

I love educating people. I'd be a teacher if it wasn't for the fact that I intensely dislike other people's children. But I've been known to spend long units of time blathering on about horses, food, the weather, Southern Utah's Red Rock country…well, you get the picture.

So it was no surprise that while taking some teenagers around Temple Square I stopped to show them a well known resident. Salt Lake City is home to a nesting pair of
Peregrine Falcons. In my family we do some casual bird watching so I'm familiar with numerous breeds. Plus being that I work outside pretty much next to the Joseph Smith Memorial Building, where the birds have a nesting box, I've seen them and their offspring swooping around downtown. On this particular evening I came around the corner from North Temple onto State Street and happened to notice one of the falcons perched on the top of the front corner of the apartment building across the street. Stopping the carriage opposite the building I pointed the bird out to the occupants and said,

"It's sitting up there, possibly waiting for an unsuspecting bird to fly by, then it will dive down and make a meal out of it."

Because in theory that's the type of behavior they should be doing.

As we're watching the Peregrine, another bird flies into the vicinity.

"Maybe it'll attack that bird," I tell them.

The second bird flaps over, and lands next to the Peregrine. Then we all watch as it hops on the first bird's back, has its way with it, then flies off.

Wham. Bam. Thank you ma'am.

Silence ensues.

Crap, did that really just happen? Did I just expose these kids to Bird Porn? There's gonna be a phone call, I'm sure.

As they say, timing is everything.

You can watch the nesting pair of falcons from the comfort of your computer. That works well for me, because I'm not a big fan of heights.

http://wildlife.utah.gov/peregrine/

One More For The Road

Don't you just hate it when you run past a blog you follow and it's same old crap as was there the last time you visited?

Yeah, me too.

<-- Insert eyeroll here

The problem as I see it is this: I haven't really been driving carriage much lately, and with the exception of having my horse, Dreamer's, teeth floated a few weeks back, not much equine related has been going on.

And, contrary to public opinion, that is what the whole "Slave Driver" name is about.

We did get one more "Rental Cat" (also known as a Foster). His name is Opi and he's older, a male and foreign (Siamese). He's not as dog friendly as Zita was, but that whole Dog/Cat relationship bordered on very weird anyway.

Opi will be the last foster for either a while, or ever. My mother is coming to live with us, so the whole cat operation is coming to an end. Which is okay with Mr. Slave Driver, because although he is not totally opposed to cats, he is not exactly enamored with the smell of their litter box.

I've been writing my newest work-in-progress; It's a romantic comedy called Another You. Here's the first part of the synopsis/elevator pitch:

Gun shy after two failed marriages, Sammie Fallon finally meets a man who's intelligent, handsome, loyal, energetic, hard working and attentive to her moods. She thinks he's great; her friends all like him, and if it wasn't for one tiny thing, he'd be perfect for her:

She suspects he might be the reincarnation of her dead dog.

Jack McCune was a player, always making time with the girls but never getting emotionally invested. When a tragic accident almost kills Jack, and takes the life of a girl he was dating, he realizes he didn’t even bother to learn her last name. Wracked with survivors guilt, and able to being a new lease on life, Jack vows to find the girl of his dreams and become a devoted, loving companion.

I've also been dinking around with my website. I bought my domain last year but haven't had a chance to find a host and put it online. So if you have a minute go over to LisaDeon.com and let me know what you think. It's still rough around the edges, but that's what DIY gets. And don't bother clicking on the "My Alter Ego" link. It'll just bring you right back here.

And if one more person buys a copy of my short, Splitting The Difference, I'll actually get paid. Not enough to buy that RV I covet, but I get a footlong from Subway.

Blasphemy And Other Avocations

Living in an area with a high concentration of Christians whose religion is only slightly less restrictive than the Amish faith, it was refreshing to be surrounded by people celebrating the Hindu holiday of, well, Holi Day.

Lathmar Holi, also known as the "Festival of Color," has been going on in other parts of the world for around 5000 years. But according to the coverage presented by our local Fox affiliate, the Lotus Temple in Spanish Fork, Utah is the only place where the Festival of Colors is celebrated in the United States.

Too bad for the rest of you non-Utah people because it was awesome.

This was our first excursion, the Kid and I. I'd passed the Hari Krishna Temple last fall on our way to Moab, and it's a beautiful building.

Situated on a hill surrounded by farmland, cars were parked on the side of the main road for miles. With my penchant for being early, we got a great spot across the street and only paid $5 to park. Being from Chicago, I can tell you that $5 to park in the middle of some dude's cow pasture is a hella deal.

So that was a win, and we didn't have to wait in line very long to buy the colored chalk-like powder you throw in the air, and at people, and on stuff… And sometimes you just rub it in someone's hair. And the powder is also scented, which is good, because if most of the other people were like us, they also eschewed their daily shower until they got home, knowing they'd be covered. What we didn't know was how hard it would be to breathe while the throwing is going on and next year we will make sure we do the following:

Wear a bandanna and sunglasses.

White and black clothes bring out the brightness of the colors.

Cover your camera in plastic wrap.

Bring someone you love.

In other news, Zita, the most recent foster cat, found her forever home this weekend with a friend of mine. We met while volunteering for Sundance, share the same initials, and worked on a movie together a few years back. She saw the kitty on Facebook, decided to visit her at an adoption event, and fell in love. She is both pleased and astonished at Zita's tenacious personality and is happy to be able to give her a forever home. However, our big fluffy white dog Luna, who thought the cat was her pet, has been searching for Zita for two days now.

But she'll get over it.

My short, Splitting The Difference is available from Amazon.com and everyone who purchases a copy between now and December 2012 gets a free Mayan Calendar!*

*Not really. Have you any idea how much shipping would be? Those puppies are made of stone. Plus if you liked it you wouldn't be able to get another one for 2013 because the World's supposed to end.

Monkeys Need Not Apply

I love gadgets. I get that from my dad. He loved gadgets with a passion that was only surpassed by his affection for watching TV. And if you combined Television with gadgets, he was in Heaven. While other families had to make do with watching a show and then using their brains to remember things about it, we had a VCR. Less fortunate families were stuck cooking with something as archaic as fire. We had a microwave. And I cannot even recall the amount of remote controllers we cycled through in a decade.

So you can imagine my bitter disappointment as an adult that all the things my generation was promised back in the 60's (cities springing up on the moon where we live in big oxygen filled domes; self cleaning houses, flying cars and personal robots to do all the drudge work; a cure for the common cold, etc) have not yet come to fruition. The closest thing we have to a self cleaning house and robots, besides hoards of illegal immigrants doing menial work for low pay and no benefits, is the Roomba robotic vacuum. And the only reason why I have not run right out and bought one is I'm sure the dog hair in my house would kill it pretty damn quick. If I did get a Roomba I'd also have to get a little monkey to pluck the gobs of hair out of it every ten minutes, and monkeys, according to Mr. Slave Driver, make nasty pets. The pet monkey he knew sat on top of his friend's television, masturbated, and flung crap at house guests.

If I want to see that, I'll watch MTV.

Okay, back to the topic of gadgets: Besides having a Kindle, which is a high tech reading device, I recently purchased a low tech reading device called a Book Hugger. My friend and fellow writer Clancy Metzger and I saw this demonstrated by the inventor, Paul,

at the
Tucson Festival of Books and decided it was a "Must Have."

Clancy and I both purchased Book Huggers, because we liked the idea of having something else hold our books for us. In my case it's because, as everyone should have figured out by now, I'm really lazy. And I like to read while I eat. Sometimes propping a book up across the TV remote or using the remote to keep the book open to the pages I'm reading (both low tech uses for a high tech object, essentially using a remote as a rock) doesn’t work out so well. Plus then Mr. Slave Driver, who likes to watch TV while he eats, cannot randomly change channels every 2.3 seconds. Because I'm using the remote for a purpose it was not designed for.

Enter the Book Hugger.

What this device does is hold your book, making reading almost hands free.

When I initially showed my people the Book Hugger they mocked me and said soon I'd develop tiny, useless Tyrannosaurus Rex arms, good for not much more than wobbling around, scaring off crows in a cornfield.

But then I showed them how you can prop it on its side and read in bed and they were impressed. Plus it has a light, and extends. Eventually they became sullen and wished I'd bought one for them, since I was on an out of town trip and am expected to bring gifts upon my return.


I really like this product, and not in a Facebook "Like" way, which only gives you the one option. It's a useful tool. You still have to turn the pages, unless you own a monkey, in which case you can train your monkey to turn the pages for you. That is, when he's not pleasuring himself with the zeal of Charlie Sheen or flinging crap at people from atop your television set.

Book Hugger. Get one. And the light. Buy one of those too.

*Do not get a monkey.

On another note, I only need to sell 1,096,632 more copies of my short story, Splitting The Difference, in order to buy that $329,000.00 RV I covet. And only another seven copies to get paid! So tell your friends, it's available through Amazon.com.

*Monkey option not available through Hugabook.com